Top 35 Oxy-Morons
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
01. Microsoft Works
~~~~~
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
- Jay Leno
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
~~~~~
MARTY'S SUPER WALMART ADVENTURE
Described by someone else as "a waste of good HTML", the Marty's Super Wal-mart Adventure webmaster, Rob, describes his site this way: "When we first visited Super Wal-mart on Cortez Road in Bradenton Florida with a camera after a gut stuffing all-you-can-eat afternoon at Sonny's Real-Pit BBQ, I never thought it would turn into one of the most loved web sites on the internet". And it hasn't. But they're getting there. You can follow Marty, Rick and Bob's bizarre Wal-mart adventures at the link below.
http://hometown.aol.com/mswadventure/Walmart.html
~~~~~
PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED
NOTICE: You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
~~~~~
INDIA - Many Hindus are "udderly" thrilled by new studies showing that cow urine can be used for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer. The urine is being sold under the label "Gift of the Cow", and is being enthusiastically promoted by the government of Gujarat. It also comes in tablets or a cream mixed with other traditional medicinal herbs. Although most Indian doctors view the medicines as eccentric, several advocates of the treatment have come forward in Gujarat to support the claims including one 65-year-old woman with a cancerous tumor on her chest who has been taking cow's urine for the past three years. She says she is no longer in pain and has survived in spite of medical predictions that she would die two years ago.
~~~~~
"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." - A law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
~~~~~
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
~~~~~
There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"
The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"
The redneck with he sack answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right."
So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"
~~~~~
GREAT THINKERS
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
---Mariah Carey
3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with law."
---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti smoking campaign.
6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
10. "China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there.
---Former French President Charles De Gaulle
11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
---Former U. S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
---General William Westmoreland
And last but not least -- a parting word from Dan Quayle:
14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
~~~~~
REDNECK JEDI
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum s keeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you'da had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat is women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
~~~~~
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
