Funnies to start the weekend

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up-he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the cord was fine, but what's a pinata?"

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An Australian fined for offensive behaviour after he farted in a Melbourne police station was Thursday cleared by an appeal court that found his flatulence was not necessarily deliberate. Sally Smith of the Legal Aid Service said the case brought against David Grixti was a ridiculous waste of public money. "Passing wind is a natural bodily function and we think it is absurd that it may be criminalised," she said. Grixti, who had been fined 200 Australian dollars (104 U.S. dollars) for the offense by the lower court, had his conviction quashed on appeal.

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"I can't understand why I should give cut crystal glassware as wedding gifts to guys who I knew only yesterday as Snot Boy." -Paul Provenza

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"I like long walks -- especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." -Fred Allen

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"As the horse-power of modern automobiles steadily increases, the congestion of traffic steadily lowers the average speed of your car. This is known as Progress." -Sydney Harris

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"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."

- Jackie Mason

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"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

- Calvin Trillin

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"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?"

- Groucho Marx

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Whenever I get a packet of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the true champion.

There can be only one!

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SAY WHAT

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here are some signs seen around the world:

Doctor's office, Rome
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

Hotel, Acapulco
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

On a poster at Kencom
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

In a Tokyo bar
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel, Yugoslavia
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

From the "Soviet Weekly"
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

In an East African newspaper
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

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Lewis: Hello

Telemarketer: Are you the man of the house?

Lewis: I think so.

Telemarketer: I would like to speak to you this evening about...

Lewis: Hello...Hello...You --- break--- up and I can--- hear ---.

Telemarketer: I am sorry. I will speak louder. I would like to speak to you this evening about...

Lewis: Hello...HELLO! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Telemarketer: [Almost screaming] I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU...

Lewis: I am sorry but you are fading in and out...you must speak LOUDER!

Telemarketer: [SCREAMING!] I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT A...

Lewis: [interrupting] Didn't anyone ever tell you it is rude to yell?

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I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

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A professor of Greek takes his torn suit to a Greek tailor. The tailor looks at the pants and says, "Euripides?"

"Yes," replies the professor, "Eumenides?"

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"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."

- Jay Leno

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Top 10 Ways to Tell You're a New Dad

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.

7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

5) Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main colour.

2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in... babysitting?"

And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:

1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple top-10-style joke email.

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A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do you think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"

"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time."

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STUPID "FAMILY FEUD" ANSWERS

ACTUAL answers given by contestants on "The Family Feud":

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name a dangerous race - The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April