More funnies

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth $49 today. If you bought $1000 worth of Miller beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79 today.

My advice to you is to start drinking...

***

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

***

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

~~~~~

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two
are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)

~~~~~

Jed shares some redneck slang with his chat buddies!

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."

~~~~~

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

~~~~~

A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L."

The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!"

Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L."

With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?"

The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!"

Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde says, "I'll have a 15."

The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"

The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7."

~~~~~

COWBOY WISDOM

From Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On: A Cowboy's Guide to Life.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.