ROFLMAO...you should demand commissions from Vartec!! Here is more fun ideas to try:

Telemarketing cures

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems. My sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. After they introduce themselves "Hi, this is Joe from…" cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Joe!! Is this really YOU? Oh, my...Wow! Joe, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Joe a few brief moments of terror as he tries to figure out where he could know you from.

5. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Friends and Family plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about cat blood or HUMAN blood?"

8. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number,
you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how
I feel." (smiling, of course...)

13. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.


14. My personal favorite way to Make a Telemarketer Go Away involves the help of my 3 year old son. When they call & ask to speak with Mr. Stevens, I explain they want the "other Mr. Stevens". As I hand the phone to my son, I tell him to explain all the fun things he did that day, from the detailed slimey booger he picked & where he wiped it,to his favorite & most proud stories about "pooping in the toilet." He is so proud of the shapes he can make. usually after a few minutes of running around on the cordless phone explaining how proud he was with the details of his day, he comes back & says "they hung up". Imagine the rudeness of some people...Go figure...

15. (Whispering) "Shhh! I...I'm here robbing the house... Whoa! I think the owner just came home! Can you hold?"

16. When a telemarketer asks how you are, say "I'm having an existential crisis at the moment, let me explain. Well, first of all..."

17. Say "Hold on." Then just put the phone down, and walk away.

-submitted by Sved Burg


Telemarketers

What to say to hucksters who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:

1. The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

2. You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two.

3. I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're heading off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Bermuda.

4. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

5. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

6. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

7. I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners won't be back for a couple months. You wouldn't have a good deal on off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you? Maybe a little grass or snow?

8. Too late, pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructor at Camp Pendleton. In other words, tell it to the Marines.

9. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

10. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?

11. Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef. Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

12. The number you have called is a working number like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

13. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking on something.

14. The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you?

15. You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno. This place will be all hers then.

16. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to talk to...

17. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

18. You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office, if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you.