Funnies for today

"Know thyself? If I knew myself. I'd run away."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
- Rodney Dangerfield

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Some One Liners

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

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I am a native of West Virginia, and there is a very small town called "Big Ugly". I have no idea why it was named that, but you know, it's probably a redneck thing. There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The head line in the local paper read, "Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant". --Kelli, NC

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On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

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A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do ya'll go ta'school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but answered his question anyway,

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA'LL GO TA'SCHOOL!?"

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The young man told his father, "I want to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy."

His father told him he'd better make up his mind.

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

A man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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"To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human."
- John Nadeau, Medford, Massachusetts

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

"Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter."
- Harry Morgan

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LIGHTBULB

QUESTION: How many church people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.

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A teacher asks her students what baseball team they wanted to win the World Series. All of the hands go up except for one student.

"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The New York Yankees."

"Why's that?"

"Well, my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me an Arizona fan!"

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A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

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"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." -Tim Allen

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"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better when it's on.' On what? On fire?" -Rita Rudner