ok, that above question comes because have been really questioning this alot lately.
perhaps as a way to try to understand mine own life.
this is what had happened in the past.
between 1991 and 1996 had lived in a "supporitve housing" unit.. it was classified for people with "serious mental illness" diagnosis.. most of the tenants there had schizophrenia.... or bi-polar.... think one had some sort of a developmental disability (now that am looking back at those days)... this place was "the best" as far as the supports that was needing (and believe still need).
In that building, there were suport staff.. a 'case worker' that was assigned to each tenant... the same case worker all the time... she would visit bi-weekly, daily or weekly depending on tenant.. (bi-weekly in mine case)....
she also helped to get minself to the grocery store... to shop for other things, to doctors etc. the support staff program there also had weekly activities.. which were a way for mineself to get out of the house.. because even in there did not venture out too much....this was such a huge benefit for mineself... having some sort of an 'organized" outing.. and having someone (the worker) come to the door and invite mineself... they had weekly "coffe hour" where the tenants all got together in the common room, the case workers made muffins with those tenants who wanted to participate... and cofee was served by the case workers.. then there were monthly (sometimes bi-monthly ) activities other then cofee hour.. there were strawberry picking bus rides to a farm, there were christmas, thanskgiving dinners served, (those dinners were served and prepared by the board of directors and all the staff of the organization) and these were dinners that many of us had as our only chirstmas dinners... there was a camp we could go to during the summer for a week, (and if someone coudlnt stay because they were scared etc. it was ok, they brought you back) that had never gone to but was getting ready to go that summer that had moved out... (why moving out was necessary is another story which is not a nice story, but no room for that here now)...
so, then quality of life was quite good... there wre social contacts.. there were shopping geting done.. there were outings to go to.. the strawberry picking had liked the best.. and was the last time have gone strawberry picking...
(if there was anyone to take mineself now, would still go, just am not able to get past the fear to go alone)...
so, that was living with supports...
then.. living since 1996 until 1999 totally alone...
during that time, ended up in hospital summer of 1998..
during that time, became more and more closed... eventually never venturing anyplace.. trying to live on mine own like that took all the energy that had... it was incredibly stressful... (living in a city was a part of that which made it stressfull)... tried to "make it"... went to take courses at a university even... since getting in as a "mature student" didnt even require one to show any high school marks.. only way was able to attend university, because have never had any formal education past age 14. (even until then, who knows how good the education was, since it came as homeschooling from the mother who was not a very good person...butperhaps the education was ok since did really well in university).
the university was the most awful experience.. yet the academic success really boosted mine self esteem... took a few courses, and the lowest mark that got was %88. the social aspect of going to school just did not work... the last part of the year, after christmas, had never attended classs.. just read the books and did the assignments.. did have supports in schoool.. had a computer (this one) fromthe special needs dept. had a tape recorded lectures from the lectures.. had mine own room to do exams privately so didnt have to do it in gym with the whole school there... even then had a total nervous breakdown after two yrs. of taking a part-time course load... so university was a failure.. working was a failure.. got fired from a waitressing job the first day... same with a landscaping job... (those were pre-1991)
during that time, in 1998, went to get some counselling... that counsellor turned out to the person who eventually became mine ex-partner who sometimes have spoken about. (that is along story too).
the counselling, was supposed to be an experience that was supposed to help mineself manage life better... it turned out that she said that it was wrong of mineself to have any contact with mine ex (the kids dad) because he was an alcoholic and a drug abuser. he had stopped living with us in 1993 but came to visit the kids whenever he wanted. and often had to send him out the door because he either showed up drunk, or had been drinking the night before and was very very angry and mean when he came. this counsellor said that if me did not get away from him, and never let him see the kid again, then she would 'call the [child welfare agency] and "say whatever i have to" to make sure they take away your kids'... this was the first time anyone had said such a thing.. even at the supportive housing noone said that... and he was even more scary then.. he abused mineself physically and mentally then... and sometimes ended up in jail for doing those things...
and those support workers never called the childrens aid society or said anything about it... so dont really understand even to this day what happened there... eventually she wanted us to leave the city and move to another one with her.. saying that she realized that we were unable to live very well on our own, and that she would help us.... she said that if had continued to on own, the children would be taken away... so left with her... felt pressured... felt scared not togo......
well then eventually she started to tell us that we were "too autistic" and that "noone could live with you"... apparently mine faults are that am too insensitive in a physical kind of way (do not like hugging, cuddling, etc.) and verbally do not say 'nice things' to people, usually talk very little with people.. [if only could speak what am able to write......
] also, apparently am much too "stuck in your ways" and not "flexible" enough and of course the anxiety about anything new, change in routines, etc. was way too diffcult for that NT to understand.. and stand....
so eventually, was basically being abused by this person, who at one point was the counsellor who was saying to mineself the words that went like this .. "you are deserving", "you are loveable", "you are ok", "you are amazing", etc. etc. (yah, yah, blah, blah, is what am now going to say to anyone who says such things).....
so living on mine own didnt accomplish anything else except the stupidity of going to a counsellor, believing what she said, doing what she said, failing at school, (couldnt go back, the second year there, completely was unable to attend, and even a indipendent study program where all the work was done at home, and sent via email to prof. was left incomplete because was too stimmy, to ever get anything done, just managing to feed the kids, and make sure they had a bath occasionaly seemed to be overwhelming enough)......
so, am realizing that am really unable to live a life that is sufficiently satisfactory alone without any supports, am unable to manage to do more then one thing at once, being a mother and taking part-time courses was too unmanageable... being able to go to counselling without getting wrapped up in believing everything the counsellor says, was not possible either... (and now, eventually when it all came to such a bad end, where did one go? right back to the same area where we left from in 99 with the counsellor... for what else is there? except for familiarity.. even the counsellor went for familiar.. it was her hometown we lived in... here, at least know the city, know the area, the streets, the bush, the landscape, etc.)
this leads to this......
am supposedly high functioning.. am able to read, write, speak, etc. am able to care for kids, am able to cook some things etc.
yet, feel like am a failure...
feel like am not contributing to society in way..
feel like am mostly a burden to society...
feel like am lacking social life (even though am not wanting much of a social life)
feel like am lacking motivation to do much without the supports of someone else encouraging mineself on a weekly basis to Do something or go someplace (things taht would like to do or go to)....
feel like am a social outcast...
feel like am barely managing to care for the home...
always everything seems to be an anxious race to get it done... like getting to the store to buy food,... it is not a regular planned event like it was in kingston.. it is a "oohh my god, we dont have anything to make to eat in 2 days if we dont buy food"... the it is a anxiety provoking wait to see if there is a way to get to town, to get food...
feel like am not managing life.. am merely enduring it...
do not like to life like this...
no wonder they say autistics have such a high rate of suicide...
am sure that once these kids are old enough to fend for themselves, will do join the pattern....
how did this high functioning one miss it?
how is it that am not one of those who DID finish school, who DID find a way to work a little, (or lots, at one's own pace) who DID find a way to live life in a way which brings predictable stability and some sort of enjoyment....
what did I DO WRONG???????
lilghostie-questioning even the purpose of her life.
