3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.
~~~~~
PORT ST. LUCIE, Florida - James Lundy III made a lot of "cents" the day he paid his $1,050 traffic fine, literally. Lundy, 26, apparently felt so "abused by the system" and unfairly treated during a traffic stop, that he decided to pay his fine with 105,000 pennies. Officials say it took Lundy several trips to carry in 17 cloth sacks full of coins into the St. Lucie County courthouse. Lundy, who reportedly has an extensive history of traffic violations, was ticketed for traveling 53 mph in a 35 mph speed zone and having expired tags. Each ticket carried a $525 fine, amounts he called "ridiculous." Court officials had no choice but to accept the payment.
~~~~~
During an award ceremony the wife of Spain's ambassador to Washington asked former Sen. George Mitchell if he could make his speech a bit longer, since the ambassador had still not arrived from the airport. Mitchell replied: "I spent years in the U.S. Senate, Madam. I can speak on any subject for any length of time -- usually on a subject about which I have no particular knowledge."
~~~~~
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway." [Stolen discreetly from Reader's Digest.]
~~~~~
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in money. I read this in his last bill, 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $250.'"
~~~~~
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
~~~~~
"No matter what you do, be honest. That sticks out in Washington."
- Arizona Senator Barry Goldwater
"Fools and wise men are equally harmless. It is the half fools and the half wise who are dangerous."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
"I'll tell you, it's Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it's Big Business. Or two words - Big Business.
- Donald Trump
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit."
- George Carlin
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright
~~~~~
LIVING IN THE 00'S
THE ODDBALL WALL - An Old Joke
My wife Alison was feeling poorly so I took her to the doctor. When we got in, the doc took one look at her and left the room. When he came back he had a Black Labrador dog and Siamese cat with him.
He pointed at Alison and commanded the dog to investigate. The dog sniffed Alison a couple times, and looked up at the doctor and said, "bark."
Then he pointed at Alison again and commanded the cat to investigate. The cat sniffed her a couple times and looked up at the doctor and said, "meow."
Then he told Alison to take two aspirins every 6 hours and get plenty of rest and she should be all right in a couple days. We went home and she did as he instructed and she was better in two days.
The following week we got a bill for $1,500.00! I called the doctor and angrily proclaimed that we were only there for 5 minutes, how the heck dare he charged that much. He said, "well, you know, lab work and cat scans are expensive."
~~~~~
"We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called 'trickle down.' That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: 'We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.'"
- Bill Maher
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
- P.J. O'Rourke
"McDonald's 'breakfast for under a dollar' actually costs much more that that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery."
- George Carlin
~~~~~
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook." [Stolen with only a little guilt from Reader's Digest.]
~~~~~
"Mattel is releasing a new "Teacher" Barbie next week. Apparently, it's just like Malibu Barbie--only she can't afford the Corvette." -Stephanie Miller
~~~~~
"The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important, because when we want to potty-train the baby we should set a good example."
--Howie Mandel
~~~~~
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
~~~~~
Over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: We can help you pick your nose!
On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take Appropriate action.
On a maternity room door: Push...Push...Push
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
* On a Scientist's door: 'Gone Fission'
* On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.'
* Outside a Hotel: 'Help! We need inn-experienced people.'
* At a Music Store: 'Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.'
* On a Music Teacher's door: 'Out Chopin.'
* On the door of a Music Library: 'Bach in a min-u-et.'
* In a Podiatrist's window: 'Time wounds all heels.'
* On another Butcher's window: 'Pleased to meat you.'
* Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
* In a Beauty Shop: 'Dye now!'
* On the door of a Computer Store: 'Out for a quick byte.'
* In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: 'Drop your pants here.'
