I need a laugh,

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"
"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"
***
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.
His wife doesn't want him... and his mother won't take him back.
***
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay more to the left." After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
***
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
***
"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night." one man said to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."
***
Adam and Eve

* God made Adam & He rested. Then he made Eve. Since then -- No one's rested !

* Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married.

* Guys, the next time your wife bests you in an argument. Look at her evenly & calmly say, "Ya' know... sometimes I think I'd rather have my rib back.

* God was wise in making Adam first. Had He made Eve first, He'd still be "fixing things" Eve wanted changed in man.

* Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground.

* Just think. When Eve said she had nothing at all to wear -- She meant it !
¨
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed.Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it.
Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
***
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
***
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
Received from The Funnies
***

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

*** ************************************************
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"
*******************************************************
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

****
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

****
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"