Points to ponder and more...

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
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> Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
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> For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [glances upward]
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> Hermits have no peer pressure.
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> How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
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> I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
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> I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
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> I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
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> I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.
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> I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther,trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."
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> I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."
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> I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
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> I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
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> I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
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> I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"
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> I live on a one-way dead-end street.
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> I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
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> I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.
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> I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
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> I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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> I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
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> I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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> I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
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> I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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> I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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> I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles". I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be really tired."
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> I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
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> I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
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> I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
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> I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
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> I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."
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> I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
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> I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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> I'm a peripheral visionary.
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> I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
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> If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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> Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
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> In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
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> It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
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> It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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> Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
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> My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
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> My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
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> My school colors were clear.
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> On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
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> One night when I was a fetus, I sneaked out...
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> One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
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> Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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> The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
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> The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.
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> The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
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> There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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> Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
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> What a nice night for an evening.
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> What's another word for Thesaurus?
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> When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
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> When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.
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> When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
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> When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
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> Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
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> While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
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> Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
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> Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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> You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
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> -submitted by Sved Burg