"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
- Larry Miller
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
- Jeff Stilson
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
- Rita Rudner
~~~~~
The Wisdom of Supermodels
ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE: "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
- Christie Brinkley
ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
- Kathy Ireland (star of Alien From L.A. and Danger Island)
ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS: "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH: "Richard (Gere) doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL: "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
- Tyra Banks
~~~~~
"Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy."
- George Carlin
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
- Shirley MacLaine
"Never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word."
- Dan Quayle, quoting Mark Twain
~~~~~
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
~~~~~
Bizzare laws in FLORIDA
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Pensacola, a women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
In Sarasota, if you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
In Sarasota, you may not catch crabs.
~~~~~
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
"Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything." -Unknown
"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." --Mark Twain
~~~~~
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
~~~~~
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"
~~~~~
"They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel."
--Dennis Miller
~~~~~
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
~~~~~
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
~~~~~
"Honesty must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy." -George Carlin
"I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week." -Joel Lindley
"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you." -Paul Newman.
~~~~~
Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look. It's always gonna be me." -Rita Rudner
~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
~~~~~
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
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