Today's Funnies

"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth."
- Patrick Murray

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."
- Howard Scott

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
- Charles Lamb

~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

"I love being married. It's so great to find the one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

"The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns."

A Florida grandfather had a hard time opening one of the two windows of the bedroom where he and grandma sleep. He told his grandson that the windows now have been given names, His and Hernia.

~~~~~

"In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
- Adlai Stevenson

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor

~~~~~

Q: How Many Men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know, It's never happened.

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."


"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you."
- Ray Romano

"We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon."
- Paula Poundstone

~~~~~

Toy Disclaimers [Packy Humor]

* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

* Some dismemberment may occur.

* Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.

* Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to get your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.

* Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!

* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

*Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

* NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.

* Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

~~~~~

"Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be excellent riders, willing to risk death daily. Orphans preferred. Wages are $25.00 a week." This is a mid 1800's help wanted sign for the Pony Express.

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

In 1980 the yellow pages listed a funeral Home under "frozen foods".

It would take half the people in the United States between the ages of 18 and 45 to run the nation's telephone system if it were not computerized.

In 1944, Fidel Castro was voted Cuba's best schoolboy athlete. A lefthanded pitcher, Castro was later given a tryout by the Washington Senators but was turned down by the baseball club.

There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, only 26 have been tested, and half caused cancer in rats.

~~~~~

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
-Franklin P. Jones

"Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way."
-Jerold Rochwald

"I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy."
-Daniel McGoorty

~~~~~

It's cheaper to travel by rocket than use the London Underground, according to BBC Online, which reports that a ticket to travel between Covent Garden and Leicester Square costs 1.50 British pounds.

"Since the stops are only 300 metres apart, that works out at 8.04 pounds a mile," says the report. Amateur astronaut Dennis Tito's recent trip into space cost him 14 million pounds - but his journey worked out at 5.61 pounds per mile.

~~~~~

5 reasons computers are male (from a female point of view)

1) They have LOTS of data, but are still clueless

2) The lights are on but nobody's home

3) A better model is just right around the corner

4) To get their attention, you have to turn them on

5) SIZE DOES MATTER

~~~~~

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate. He returned a half hour later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he said. "I stepped on the same rake."

~~~~~

My nephew likes to drive fast. He is also a pilot for a major airline. One day he was speeding when a patrolman pulled him over. When the patrolman walked up to his window. Rather sarcastically, the patrolman said, "You were nearly flying sir, may I see your pilot's license please!" Bill, with a smile, pulled the pilot's license from his billfold and handed it to the patrolman. There was a shocked silence, then the patrolman laughed and let him go with a warning. Want to bet that cop never again asked for anyone's pilot's license?

~~~~~

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
- Jimmy Carter

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
- George Bush

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."
- Abraham Lincoln.

~~~~~

BAD LANGUAGE

In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kyushi: "Japan Stop Drive Sideways."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice cream."

In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

~~~~~

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND "GUYS"

Men: know what they want to be doing five years from now.
Guys: are not sure what they want to do later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.

~~~~~

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
- Mike Barfiel

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
- Jeff Marder

~~~~~

MALE OR FEMALE?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up again -- and only when the right buttons are pushed.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

~~~~~

In The 50s

1. "I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

2 "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

9. "Not only that, but their music drives me wild. That `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket."

10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or'damn in it."

11."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

12. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

13. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

14. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

15. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

16. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

17. "It's too bad that things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

18. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

19. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

20. " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me like that, they won't be able to sit down for a week."

~~~~~

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
- Albert Einstein

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams

~~~~~

Diet Questions Answered.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie...flour is a grain!

~~~~~

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?

A: Kids wont eat broccoli

~~~~~

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

~~~~~

"The Senate has proposed and passed the tax cut for marriage. Married people apparently had been paying more in taxes, and Republicans feel that marriage is penalty enough."
-Bill Maher

"The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt."
--Jerry Seinfeld

~~~~~

Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."

~~~~~

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

~~~~~

"Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."
-Peter da Silva

"I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."
-Steve Allen

"With our first child, I must admit I wasn't prepared for the sticker shock. My wife did all the work, but the hospital still charged us $5,000. I couldn't afford that, so we had to put our daughter on layaway."
-Robert G. Lee

"I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly."
-Brad Stine

"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-Anonymous

~~~~~

The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For example:

USA uses USS which means "United States Ship."

The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship."

and now...Italy is using AMB which means "At's-a My Boat!"

~~~~~

PROFESSOR'S DEFINITIONS OF A KISS

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

2 Prof. of Computer Science:

A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

2 Prof. of Algebra:

A kiss is two divided by nothing.

2 Prof. of Geometry:

A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

2 Prof. of Physics:

A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

2 Prof. of Chemistry:

A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

2 Prof. of Zoology:

A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

2 Prof. of Physiology:

A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

2 Prof. of Dentistry:

A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

2 Prof. of Accountancy:

A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

2 Prof. of Economics:

A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

2 Prof. of Statistics:

A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

2 Prof. of Philosophy:

A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

2 Prof. of English:

A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

2 Prof. of Engineering:

Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

~~~~~

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
-David Bissonette

"A new law in Jackson, Mississippi requires strippers to get a license. If you want to be a stripper in Mississippi now, you have to get a license ­ which, should make standing in line at the DMV a little more interesting."
-Jay Leno

~~~~~

MY DAILY WORKOUT

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily,but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

~~~~~

THE OREO PERSONALITY TEST

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim.

~~~~~

"Man [has] always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much...the wheel, New York, wars and so on...while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man...for precisely the same reason."
- Douglas Adams

~~~~~

ANIMALS HAVE THE DARNDEST THOUGHTS

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

~~~~~

GREAT PRACTICAL TIPS

[Editor's Note: Try these at your own risk!]

* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

* High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

* Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

* Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

* Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

* X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

* A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

* Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

* Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

* Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have he oven serviced.

* A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

~~~~~

"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
-Elaine the stewardess in AIRPLANE

Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.
Arthur: It'd have to be a real BIG woman.
-Susan (Jill Eikenberry) and Arthur (Dudley Moore), ARTHUR

"I've been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog: Brilliant but useless."
-Connor Cruise O'Brien.

~~~~~

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly dismissed any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1954."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and asked, "What did you teach?"