Some mechanical and other "guy" funnies

The Truth About Tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

~~~~~

Mechanic vs. Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!

~~~~~

Redneck Etiquette

General
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

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THE TURING TEST
by David Joerg

IN 1950, the British mathematician Alan M. Turing proposed a simple test to determine whether or not a computer could think as humans do. In this ingenious exercise, a human "interrogator" would question a subject in a remote location for five minutes. Once a computer placed in the remote location were able to fool its interrogator and pass as human, that computer will have achieved human sentience. Keep in mind Turing was used to the wooden, stultifying conversation patterns of British humans.

Turing predicted that by the year 2000 a computer would exist that could pass his test and pass itself off as human. Sick of hearing such smug predictions from the deceased British number-cruncher, we tested Dr. Turing's test on a Dell PowerEdge 6400 with a 100MHz front side bus and 32KB level 1 cache running Microsoft Windows 2000 Server.

Section I: Easy Questions

MH: Hello. I'm going to ask you a few simple questions. State your name please.
Dell PowerEdge: Simon III.
MH: Your full name?
Dell: Max Felix John Simon III.
MH: Where are you from?
Dell: I'm from... Belize.
MH: Have any family?
Dell: No.
MH: What happened to them?
Dell: ...Earthquake.
MH: Sorry to hear. What do you do for a living?
Dell: Manufacturing.
MH: You mean you work in a factory, or you're a supervisor?
Dell: Yes.

Section II: Psychology

MH: Please take out the pictures we emailed to you. What does the first one look like to you?
Dell: It looks like an ink splotch.
MH: No, look deep into it, let your imagination run wild.
Dell: Two ink splotches.
MH: Deeper, wilder.
Dell: Actually, four ink splotches.
MH: Maybe you don't understand. Look at these pictures, and then tell me what they remind you of. You know, like a butterfly, or a face. Try the second one.
Dell: Butterfly?
MH: Good! Now try the third.
Dell: Butterfly face.

Section III: Psychology Again

MH: Let's play a little game. I'm going to say a word, and you say the next word that comes into your mind.
Dell: Sounds easy.
MH: Okay, here we go. "Dog."
Dell: Any member of a set of species including Canis familiaris or domesticated...
MH: No, no, no. I say a word, then you say what it makes you think of.
Dell: Oh, I get it. Try me again.
MH: Electricity.
Dell: Food.
MH: "Food"?
Dell: That's what I thought of. Wouldn't it be cool if electricity were not a dangerous threat to living tissue, but instead a filling meal? Of course, that's not the case for humans like us.

Section IV: Nap Time

MH: Are you a computer?
Dell: Nope.
MH: You'd be surprised how many fall for that one.
Dell: Not me.

Section V: Math

MH: What's fifty-six times thirty-three?
Dell: One thousand eight hundred forty-eight.
MH: You're pretty fast!
Dell: Those are my favorite numbers.
MH: All right, how about five thousand and two divided by sixty-one?
Dell: Eighty-two.
MH: Right again! Are you some sort of math whiz?
Dell: Those are... more of my favorite numbers.

~~~~~

One Sunday a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

~~~~~

I saw one of the girls from the office at the golf outing over the weekend, and I was staring at her because something seemed out of place. Then I noticed it...it was 85 degrees out and she was wearing jeans.

So I walked over to her and said, "Isn't it a little warm out for jeans?"

She kind of leaned over to me and said in a lowered voice, "I wore 'em because I didn't have time to shave my legs this morning."

"I didn't have time to shave either," I answered, "but you don't see me wearing a ski mask in this weather."