Here goes--I think I was 2 or 3 when my parents heard the knock on their door. My father was the first one to switch from Protestant to JW and my mother was soon to follow, switching from Methodist to JW.
I did have my first birthday but that was about it and I don't remember it of course. I have an older brother Rob (7 years older) and an older sister Wendy (8 years older). They of course had some holidays in their lives before the switch, but not me. (no resentment there)
My feeling like I didn't belong came on rather quickly. When I was in Elementary School I can remember feeling angry that I had to leave the room when ever the class was celebrating someones birthday. And when the kids came in after Christmas break talking about their new toys, well I would just hide in the corner. I used to put my hand over my heart during the "Pledge of Alligience" and mumbel the words so that it looked like I was saying it and wouldn't get made fun of. Then the saturday mornings came when all I wanted to do was stay home and watch the cartoons like all the other kids, but nooooo, I had to go out door to door. In the rain, in the snow, in the heat, it didn't matter. If the weather was too bad we would just do "Return Visits". And every once in a whild I would see someone that I knew at the door. How embarressing is that ?
As I got older I did try my best to fit in. In my hall, there were a few friends that I had. Most of them were kind of cliquey.(is that a word ?) I did manage to find one girl that I became best friends with. She was my savior. Except for the fact that her and her sisters were such straight arrows in the faith that I would find myself acting one way in front of her and another way in front of my school friends. This double life of mine seemed to go on endlessly. I was miserable. And the biggest kick in the ass was that all around me I would see little things happen that wasn't on the up and up. But I was too scared to say anything or to change anything. I tried real hard to study and prepare for all the meetings. Raising my hand with answers like a good girl. Almost having a heart attack every time it was my turn to go up on that stage and give a talk, but doing it anyway.
At school I was happy. I totally tried to fit in with all the crowds. I tried to be with the band, I tried to be with the jocks, I tried to be with the Dead Heads, you name it, I tried it. Still, it bugged me that I couldn't play any sports(I was very athletic in school), I wanted to be a cheerleader in the worst way, but alas, it was not to be. I wanted to go to dances and on the 8th grade trip to washington. Everyone else got to go!!!!!! Boys would ask me out all the time and I would say yes and then make up something when they would call me why I couldn't go.
When I turned 16 the shit really hit the fan (excuse my vulgarity) I got my learners permit, started smoking, and met a boy (next door), (literally) and fell in love (lust). That was it , I rebeled big time. Refusing to go to meetings, or out in service. I was ordered not to see my boyfriend, but I used to sneek out (and stay out all night). My mom and dad tried to council me. That didn't work. The Elders in the congregation came to see me, and that didn't work. My so called friends at the hall started to shun me, and I didn't care. My brothers girlfriend (now wife) called to "talk to me" I remember her yelling at me over the phone at me about how I was a sinnful slut and did I like having sex and being with boys better than everlasting life ? (and yeah, I did) My sister was already married at the time when all this happened and had two kids. She kept me from seeing my niece and nephew. I was a great Aunt too, but to this day I am not close with them because of all the time I missed with them when they were younger. I regret that. I ended up staying with my boyfriend for 5 years. They were turbulent years for me. Constant fighting with my family. My only friend (best) that I had at the hall turned her back on me because she was told to. My parents used to have the book study at their house on tuesdays, but it was moved because of me. My father was looked down upon because he couldn't control his children (me). But Ha Ha on them, they couldn't DF me because I was smart enough to never get Baptized!!!!!!! So to this day people I see still talk to me and try and get me to come back.
There were some things that I did during those 5 years of my life, that are just too personal to write about, (drugs was one of them), but let's just say that I have committed one of the worst sins against the Holy 10 !!!!! So in my mind, I've gone to far to ever be forgiven or go back. I ended up leaving that guy and dating (alot) I had some "wild"years. I even ended up "dating" (if you want to call it that) a guy from my old hall that I had a crush on way back when. I guess he isn't too "sinless" either. I guess I showed them!!!!! I started hearing stories about this person and that person dropping out. I guess I paved the way for them.
Now, I am happily (sort of) married with 3 children. My children celebrate Xmas, and all the other holidays, even the dreaded and evil "Halloween" (strike me down now) I am determined for my children to grow up "normal" and to have fun in life. I honestly don't know if this is the only life we are dealt, but I will not waste it by running to 5 meetings a week and assembly vacations, and weekend mega service outings. I am a good person, who has made mistakes, but I believe that God is a loving and forgiving God (isn't that what we were taught anyway ?) and he will judge me for who I am, not how much I do.
Incidentally, my sister and I are a little closer (not much) she has become a work aholic just like my brother. Neither one makes every meeting and even though my dad is an Elder, he still talks to me. My mom has since died (of cancer) but I know she is smiling at me (somewhere) and I will see her again someday, whether it be in "Heaven" or here on earth, I think a better life and world is coming for us all . (not just the saints and JW's ) The world is made up of plenty of good people, and you can't tell me that we will all be passed over just because we don't subscribe to the JW line of bullshit!!!!! (sorry)
Well, thats pretty much my life story (the abridged version). I hope my thoughts have helped to heal all who read this and to let you know the its o.k. to be "HAPPY".
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