My story starts in 1959. My father was killed in an airplane crash in January; my mother was just new to the WTS, struggling to make ends meet with two daughters to raise. I was 6 and my sister was 9. My mother worked three jobs to try to make ends meet, but still we were bone poor (there was no welfare then, just food commodities). One day in May, my mother and we girls were at the Kingdom Hall when a man walked in. He was from the other side of the state, visiting some friends of his, being a good JW. When it came time to go to the meetings, he went along with his JW friends.
He was a single man, and -- you guessed it -- SO was my mother -- a match was made via long distance. When he proposed to her, she jumped at the chance to marry up. He was well to do, 34, never married, with new cars, and he was an elder. Three months later they married, we moved across the state, he built her a new house, put new furnishings in it, and got her a new car. To the outside world, everything was so picture perfect; he was a GOOD Christian husband, his family was all in the truth, and several of his brothers were Elders also. Sounds too good to be true. This man saved us from poverty, gave us new bikes toys, a new daddy, and a new extended family. Well, it was to good to be true, so here is where the meat of my story begins.
First of all he was a thirty-four year-old virgin. I tell you this so you get an idea of his frustrations. My mother had to teach him about sex, and he was verbal about his dislike that she had been with others; he would call her a whore, scorn her, yell at her, and all the while he was doing this so loud that we kids heard it. This went on for the first six months, until our house was built, and we moved in. It was then the abuse really started: the nightly beatings. I can remember many, many, times jumping on his back to make him stop. Yet my mother stayed. I think that she was too afraid at this time to leave him; where would she go? His frustration grew and grew. They were trying to get my mom pregnant, but because of old infections that were never treated (lack of money) she was never able to conceive.
A year into the marriage he started in on my sister and me. We were hit on a daily basis. I am sure he got pleasure out of it. We would get hit if we touched a wall, or slammed a door, or asked, "why?," or used too much toilet paper. It never made any sense; we just were beat up on a regular basis. Yet all the time, we would go to the Kingdom Hall and act like everything was good. We were told on a regular basis how lucky we were that he chose my mom, he could have had anyone, but he chose her (this was coming from people at the Kingdom Hall who did not know of the abuse going on.
The next year came the sexual attacks. I would wake up night after night in a sleepy fog, to find him beside my bed, trying to touch me under the covers. I went to my mom about this, but he told her he was just trying to cover me up and I had a vivid imagination.
So, I learned at a young age I could not get protection from her; she just did not believe me -- until he did it to my sister, but several years had passed by this time. By then, he had gone beyond just trying to fondle me; he had started to expose himself. My mother went to the elders (remember they were his brothers by birth). They talked to him, and he sort of admitted a few things but was only put on probation for six months. Then the elders came and talked to us girls. They said it was mostly our fault as we were not his real children, and besides we "inflamed him" by running through the house in our underwear, etc. All the while, not another person in the Kingdom Hall knew anything other than that we were a happy family, and how lucky we were to have him as our daddy.
By this time, I was a teenager. My sister put all her efforts into her school, and graduated as valedictorian. She left, married an elder in another congregation, and was to live happily ever after "NOT!" (she stayed married for ten years, then started to think for herself, divorced him, and got out). She, to this day, does not know if she was DF or DA, as she never went to the meeting the elders called. She told them to kiss her back passage. Anyway, that is her story to write sometime.)
After my sister left, things got very ugly for me. The sexual abuse started again, and the physical abuse just continued. I had stopped trying to tell my mother about it; it seemed as long as I took it from him, he left her alone, and at least I did not have to hear the late night fighting. The molestations continued until I was 12, but the exposing of himself kept up until middle teens. One night at the age of fifteen I turned my anger outward and beat up my mother for her inability to keep me or my sister safe, and her choosing this man, this religion, his money, over her children. I can remember literally stepping outside of my body and watching this child go after this woman ...I was not a participant but a spectator. (Later in counseling I learned that this could of resulted in a "split".)
I know now that I survived any way I could, and this was in the form of sex, that was how to get someone to act like they liked you, to give you a hug, a tender moment, a kiss. So, I started to sneak out, to do the things I was forbidden to do. I learned to be the best liar in the county, to look a person in the eye and lie. I was so good at it, that my folks did not catch me for about six months. Then they did catch me one night, and like a fool I told the truth for the first time in six months. I told them, yes I had had sex with Lee (a guy that was going away to Vietnam). Of course I was dragged before the Elders, but I refused to talk to them. They were not happy to simply know I had sinned; they wanted to know ALL the details. I then and I now think it is/was a private matter and would not give them what they wanted.
So I was DF at age 15. One year later, I was reinstated. Now, everyone could not understand why I would do such a thing. Remember: I came from such a good family! But by this time I was used goods and no good JW boy was going to look at me, so I was to be ignored, still. So I went back to my old ways, but this time I was only a tease. I did not have sex again until I was 17.
In the meantime my stepfather started exposing himself again, and I caught him drilling a hole in the floor vent, to peep at me in the bathroom. My mom dragged him before the elders again. This time he was put on probation for a year, but again I was not to tell
anyone; it would be too embarrassing for him as he was repentant this time. He even shed a few tears and told me he was sorry. Well as I said I was 17 by this time, and I was very hard-core by now. I hit him back now when he hit me; I cursed him out when he cursed at me. I was so full of hate and rage for ten years of his abuse, and my mom's lack of protection (all in the name of being a good Christian wife, one that is ever-enduring and turns the other cheek). By this time, I couldn't have cared less about school. I skipped so much that when I did show up to class, the teacher did not know who I was.
Then in July of 1969, I was at a local swim hole, when this guy showed up. It was love at first sight. I was smitten. I had to be with this man). Needless to say, I let myself become pregnant. What was the worst thing that could happen? I might have to get married to someone who loved me, and leave this hateful home a year early. So yes, this is what happened. I married this man when I was four months pregnant. It took that long for me to get the nerve up to tell my folks. Guess what? I was DF for conduct un-befitting a Christian!!!! At least I was doing something that was NORMAL.
I was reinstated a year later, but was asked to not come back as by this time, I had started to tell others of the things I had endured for ten years, and how it was all such a lie. I had begun asking how God (Jehovah) could want to kill my husband and my children, as they were good people. How, why, & why? I kept asking, and was told I was causing too much dissent (In reality, I was getting others to open their eyes, and use the brain God gave. I still believe some of the teachings, but yet other religions do have a few similarities about doctrine issues).
I have not been back in a Hall since, and it’s been at least 27 years. It took my husband of 32 years, and a good therapist to let me realize that a lot of my problems go back to the JW teachings, how I was treated, and the hypocrisy, and cover-up. I can tell you this: I was 40 before I realized that I had to let go of the hate, and all the pent-up anger of those ten years as a JW. I even forgave my stepfather for his sins, its too much emotional baggage to carry any longer. As for my mother, I pity her. She has endured a life without love. This is of her choosing, as divorce is out of the question. She does associate with my sister and me, and yes, I have forgiven her. I look back and I realize that she did what HER GOD told her to do, spare the rod or spoil the child. It is not her fault.
She was so indoctrinated as to believe that Jehovah would make it go away in 1975 that she had to be subservient to her man, or not gain everlasting life. She is still a JW, but I guess we don't talk about it in my home. I forbid it now. I have come to peace in my
middle age.
I HAVE NO TIES THAT BIND ANYMORE, AND NO SKELETONS IN MY CLOSET.
The real truth set me free!!!
Thanks for listening,
Helen
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