As I told my non-witness uncle during thanksgiving, "my earliest memories were the staircase in my house and my dad getting arrested for hitting someone". I was 4 and one of 4 girls. My uncle then said,"it was your mother, and he choked her". I had not known that until this year.
My dad was an angry and violent man before he was a witness, and after. My parents were divorcing when he became a full-fledged witness, and they began a 4 year fight for custody of us 4 girls. It was 1968 and he won custody of 4 girls, something that was unheard of in those days. He was fanatical about getting us. He was an elder by then, and still using what he called
"righteous anger" on us.
The first night we were with him, after he won custody of us, my older sister got beaten for having an "attitude". We all watched in horror, and our ages ranged from 4 to 12 years old. My sister's sin was that she left her pet rat at my mom's house and refused to give it to me, her sister. He
couldn't make her do what he wanted, and that would cause him to explode.
We were all afraid, and yet we never talked about it or helped each other. We would listen at the door of his room to find out who was going to "get it" early in the morning. Sometimes he would wait until night when we were asleep to drag us out of our beds to make us do dishes or write a phone message better. He kicked, punched, slapped, used belts, and a cue stick to hit us over these issues. During this time we were giving talks and studying the bible and going out in service. I was baptized at 12, and did some pioneering, but my sisters became regular pioneers. Every morning at 6 a.m. we were woken up to study the bible, and/or get in trouble, before we went to school. We studied books like, "Babylon the great has Fallen" in the morning, and we would also learn how to avoid doing unscriptural things such as homosexuality, but that were described in detail to us. He would also warn that in the great tribulation we would probably be persecuted and tortured. Pretty heavy stuff to worry about at 6 in the morning.
We all thought we had ulcers, as we later told each other, and I was sure he was going to kill us. I looked at the years before I was 18, and it seemed
like a jail sentence. Some other elders knew about the abuse, and we had more elders meetings, but it did little good. My sister got beaten just 2 weeks before her wedding at age 19, and she was a regular pioneer. Why we didn't fight back I don't know. My dad was 6' 2" and 200 hundred lbs. If we showed any resistance to his control, we would get it. I was so fake by this time and never showed my true feelings, and could even disassociate myself from my body at will.
We all got married as soon as possible, what else is there to do in the JW's? I was only 17 and I had quit school after 11th grade to get married. No one ever mentioned the choice of further education, it was "be a pioneer or get married". Getting a job to support ourselves was not encouraged either. We only knew how to clean houses or babysit. When we had jobs as
teenagers we had to give the money to our dad, to help feed us, we were extremely poor. I got married in December and had no coat to my name, and my husband bought me one on our honeymoon. I was amazed that he spent $60 for a coat; I didn't know it could be that easy to get one.
I was always considered the black sheep of the family, because I would rebel against the rules of the witnesses, which I started doing after I had been
married 10 years. I was raising 2 boys by that time, and stayed in the witnesses, after being punished for my sins. I will NEVER be in a room with 3 elders in suits again.
At age 36 I started realizing I had a choice. What an amazing revelation that was! It was slow in coming, though, and it took 4 years to leave my husband and the witnesses at the age of 40. What a jump off a cliff that was! I had no support from my sisters, sons,
or friends that I knew in the witnesses. I had about 3 "worldly" friends who were incredibly helpful and supportive, and one df'd friend who helped me through the divorce and the jw leaving.
I moved away 2 years after my disfellowshipping, I now live near a big city and I love it. I have become extremely tough and strong and am no longer the doormat of my youth. I still wake up with fear about Armageddon, but that is less and less these days. I go to school and work and have a wonderful relationship with beautifully spiritual man. I live alone yet I
am hardly ever lonely. That fear and loneliness belongs in the past along with the witnesses.
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