Since there seems to be some interest in my old stuff, the following is the original text of The Complete Adventures of Woody and Hairy presented in its original form. I'll follow this up with the unfinished 'Woody and the Snakes'. Don't know if I ever posted those stories outside of the Snakegod Clan message board.
On a personal note, I've enjoyed re-reading these. Part 1 of Woody and the Snakes (Sliders and Warm Beer) is probably my favorite. Clearly, my writing got better as I went along...
...enjoy!
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
This is my first attempt at a story, let me know what you think.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
*twang*
“Your never gonna hit anything with that stupid bow you know,” Hairy said from atop the barrel he was sitting on as Woody’s arrow flew wide right.
“Shut up,” Woody mumbled as he focused on the advancing skeleton. ‘40 feet away now’ he thought to himself.
*twang*
“When will you learn,” Hairy continued as the arrow flew wide left. “Just ‘Bolt him.”
“Well, if you’d shutup for a second and let me concentrate, I might have a better chance.” ’25 feet away,’ Woody thought as he tried once again to focus. “What is it that those darlin’s are always yapping about? You know the whole ‘sightless eye’ spiel?” Woody asked with his eyes closed as yet another of his shots sailed wide of the target.
Woody notched another arrow, but it was too late, the Skeleton was upon him. “Ha,” said Woody, “so you wanna get up close an personal eh? Well eat this!” Using the bow like a club, Woody swung it at the skeleton’s head in an attempt to bash him to death. He missed again and struck the wall. The skeleton, seeing his chance, raised his sword in the air and readied the killing blow.
*Boom!*
The skeleton exploded from a bolt of Holy Fire.
“You could say your welcome you know,” said Hairy, “I just saved your butt. Again.”
“I had everything under control thankyouverymuch,” replied Woody. “If you would have just let me kill him with the bow, you’d be singing a different tune.”
Woody had sat himself down on the floor and begun to wrap duct tape around a part of the bow that looked as if it might break in two. “Damn that Griz and his hang up with cursed stuff. He won’t even look at my bow.” Complained Woody.
“When the hell are you gonna learn, that bow ain’t never, and I mean NEVER, kill anything.”
“Oh yeah?” Woody said as he stood, pulled the bowstring taught and pointed it at Hairy, “you wanna say that again?”
“Hahaha,” Hairy chucked, “give it your best shot.”
Before Hairy had finished, Woody had released the arrow. Just as Hairy predicted, the arrow missed him entirely and instead embedded itself into the barrel that Hairy was sitting on.
*KA-BOOM!*
The Explosion sent Hairy flying through the air. He landed with a thud.
“You idiot!” Hairy yelled, “are you trying to kill me?”
“Oh, man, I’m sorry, how was I supposed to know that was the exploding kind” Woody pleaded as he dodged bolts of fire. “But, you DID ask for it.”
The bolts of fire stopped and Hairy stood there literally smoldering. “Ok, I suppose you could say I did ask for it,” he said. “The very least you could do is heal me.”
“Well I would, you know I would, but I haven’t mastered that spell yet,” Woody lamented.
“What?” said Hairy. “Your a sorcerer of the 10th circle for crying out loud, how can you not know something as simple as a healing spell?”
“Look, it ain’t like I’ve been avoiding it or anything, I just haven’t come across any is all. Get off my back about it already.”
“Or what? You’ll shoot me with that bow again?” Grinned Hairy.
“Hehehe,” laughed Woody. “What do you say we go topside and have a couple of beers, all this adventuring has left me kinda parched.”
“After you and that cursed bow if you don’t mind.”
Once the pair of Beyond Naked Mages reached Ogden’s Tavern, they made a b-line for the bar. Seeing the two enter, Ogden nodded to Woody from behind the bar and poured the mages two cold beers and walked away to attend his other customers.
“What was that all about?” asked Hairy.
“Well,” Woody said, “me and Ogden see, we got us an arrangement. He gives me free beer and I entertain the crowd by playing the harmonica.”
“But, you don’t play the harmonica,” said Hairy with a puzzled look on his face.
“Correction, what you mean is ‘I don’t play the harmonica WELL.’ I do play however. See,” Woody continued, “it breaks down like this. If you look around, you’ll mostly see a bunch of surly warrior types. Yeah, there are some educated men like ourselves and a few Sisters, but mostly it’s just ornery warriors. Now, when I get to playing, these warriors see, get into a real foul mood. It’s just a matter of time before a fight breaks out and a bunch of chairs and furniture gets all busted up.”
“And thats good?” said Hairy in a completely confused voice.
“You bet,” answered Woody. “When these gorillas bust up the joint, they gotta pay for the stuff they bust. If they don’t, Ogden won’t serve ‘em no more, and this is the ONLY tavern in these parts after all. So Ogden, he overcharges ‘em for the furniture they break and even after the beer he gives me, he still makes a tidy little profit.”
“So that explains where you got that black eye the other day.” Said Hairy.
“Yeah, you guessed it,” replied Woody, “but I was drunk as a skunk at the time and didn’t feel a thing!”
“You a genius in your own sick little way you know.”
“Barkeep, BEER!” came the shout from a downtrodden warrior who had just sat down at a table next to the Mages.
Upon closer examination, the duo noticed what looked to be the sorriest bunch of weapons and jewelry they had ever seen laid on the table the warrior sat at.
Woody’s and Hairy’s eyes practically glazed over, and they began to drool uncontrollably.
“What have ya got there,” asked Hairy while Woody went to get the man a beer.
“Oh, it do be a tragedy,” the warrior practically was in tears. “I goes down to the catacombs, ya see. Laid my life on the line I did. And for what? This cursed garbage. It just ain’t fair.” The warrior was weeping openly at this point.
“I just hate to see a man cry,” sympathized Hairy. “I’ll tell ya what, I’ll give ya 25 pieces of gold for the lot of it. Just to perk you up again ya know.”
“Deal!” agreed the warrior.
The gold exchanged hands and the warrior broke into sinister laughter.
“Muahahahaha, you sucker.” He chided. “That stuff is unusable, thanks for the gold you fool. That crying stuff works like a charm.”
“I think that it is YOU, who is the sucker here,” Woody said as he returned to the table with the beers.
The warrior’s face was totally blank as he blinked in incomprehension.
“See,” Hairy continued his friends thought, “we would have gladly paid in the thousands for that stuff. But you, why your an ignorant fool and didn’t recognize your advantage. You, therefore, are the sucker here.”
“Those are fightin’ words…” growled the warrior
“Yep, they are” said Hairy as he punched the warrior in the face. In a matter of seconds, the whole tavern was one big brawl.
[several hours later]
“You know,” said Hairy as he spit out a tooth. “Your right, if you drink enough, the pain is really not that bad.”
“Hehehe,” laughed Woody as he clanked his mug against Hairy’s, “it’s gonna hurt like hell tomorrow though…”
“You know what was best about this night though?” asked Hairy.
“What?”
“That I got to drink all this free beer and I didn’t once have to suffer through you playing your harmonica.”
Part Two: The Adventure Continues:
It was warm.
Hairy looked around and found himself in a meadow of wildflowers. Movement caught his eye, it was Adria. She was dressed in a filmy transparent gown that left nothing to the imagination. As she approached him, he became entranced by the hypnotic sway of her hips. The look on her face was one of pure seduction. Hairy’s heart began to pound, and his mouth went dry. She stepped up to him and fell into his arms. As lost in the moment as he was, Hairy almost didn’t notice that when she opened her mouth to kiss him, her tongue was at least 4 times it’s normal size. That’s when she licked his face…
“Ahhhhggggg,” Hairy screamed as he opened his eyes and found a cow licking his face. Smacking the cow, he tried to shake the cobwebs from his head. Everything was a little fuzzy, but he began to calm from the weird dream now that he realized he was awake.
*Sniff, sniff*
“Well, that explains the warm sensation,” Hairy mumbled as he stood. He had been laying in a fresh pile of cow manure. It all became clear. The night before had been one of excessive drinking and fighting. The fact that he was passed out in the cow field attested to the excessive drinking, while his sore jaw and ribs validated the fighting. It took him a minute to locate Woody. He was also passed out in a fresh pile of cow manure, just a couple of feet away.
Woody was in a sort of ‘upright’ fetal position. His knees were curled up to his chest and his butt was ticking straight up in the air. He was curled around that stupid bow he cherished so much.
“Wake up,” Hairy said as he prodded Woody with his toe.
“Aww, Ma, just a few more minutes,” Woody mumbled in his sleep.
“WAKE UP YOU DORK,” Hairy shouted as he kicked Woody straight in the ass.
The blow sent Woody into yet another pile of manure.
“Ok, ok, I’m up,” groaned Woody.
*Sniff, sniff*
“Man, what did I eat last night? My breath is horrible,” Woody said.
“That’s not your breath, it’s cow crap. Somehow we passed out in the cow field last night.”
“Oh.”
“Lets go get cleaned up,” said Hairy as he began to head towards the Inn.
“Wait!” Woody exclaimed. “We can’t go back to our rooms like this.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know. I’ve got it real bad for Gillian, and if she sees me like this, I’ll never get a date with her. Besides, I think today is the day she recognizes my ‘inner beauty’ and goes out with me.”
“Ok, but where then? The river?” Hairy asked.
“Nah, rivers to cold. How ‘bout the fountain?”
“Sounds good to me,” Hairy said as the two headed for the center of town.
[several minutes later]
“Hello my friend, stay a while,” said Cain.
“It’s ‘friends’ Cain, plural, there’s two of us,” Woody said. “He just NEVER gets that one right.”
Before Cain’s very eyes, the duo had stripped down to their undergarments and jumped into the fountain.
“What the HELL are you doing?”
“Bathing, what does it look like,” answered Hairy.
“Guards! Guards!” Cain was shouting at the top of his lungs.
“Guards?” Woody asked Hairy. “What guards? I’ve never seen any guards?”
“We better split just the same. Let’s head for the river.”
“I’m right behind you!”
The two Mages scooped up their soiled clothing and prized, albeit cursed, equipment and ran towards the river. Heedless of the cold, they plunged themselves in and began to wash their bodies and clothing.
“Something’s bothering me Woody,” Hairy said.
“What’s that?”
“Well, I couldn’t help but notice that you have three leg holes in your undergarments.”
“Oh, that,” Woody said. “Simple, it’s my 6-day underwear.”
“Sorry I asked,” Hairy groaned. “That is DEFINITELY something I didn’t need to know.”
Shortly thereafter, the pair were clean again and headed back to town.
“How about a little hair of the dog?” Hairy asked.
“Sure thing bud, I’ll meet ya there. I’m gonna swing by Gillian’s first. I got a feeling that today is my lucky day!”
‘Poor bastard’ Hairy thought. ‘When will he ever learn.’
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Three: Women; can’t live with ‘em, pass the beer nuts.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
Woody and Hairy, noticeably less offensive smelling after bathing in the river, were walking back to town. Once in town, the two would split up and meet shortly at Ogden’s Tavern for some breakfast and a little ‘hair of the dog.’ First though, Woody was on his way to see Gillian and Hairy was going to run by the Trading Post and see if anyone had abandoned any cursed gear.
Woody’s brow was furrowed as he silently struggled for the words he would say to Gillian today. He was fully enamored with her and today he felt that she would finally relent to his advancements.
Hairy walked silently next to his friend. He grinned to himself when he imagined Woody blurting out the wrong thing to Gillian like he ALWAYS did. Whatever rude comment he would make would be followed by the inevitable face-slap.
As they reached the fork in their respective paths, Hairy left Woody to continue on his own and veered off to the Trading Post. As he arrived, he sighed at the same old crap he saw every single day.
“I need a THINKING CAP RING!” an armored mage called out.
Hairy chuckled out loud. The way the guy carried what was no doubt an Arch-Angels Staff looked as unnatural as Hairy would look wearing a dress. Not that he’d never worn a dress…there was that one time…she had begged him…said something about “driving her wild”…how was he to know that she was just going to steal his gold…boy, was THAT a long walk back to the Inn…Hairy shook his head violently to banish the unwanted memory from his head. No need to relive THAT again.
“Tell Woody he still owes me one for that Durn Bow!” said WarLocke as he passed Hairy.
Hairy ignored him too. WarLocke had found that bow that Woody cherishes so much and had been prepared to trash it. Woody showed some interest in it and WarLocke had given it to him. Now that Woody had attached value to it, WarLocke thought he deserved more than just a thank you. ‘Whatever’, Hairy thought, ‘that’s Woody’s business not mine.’
The search through the Trading Post was fruitless and Hairy was pretty agitated. Nothing but Godly Plate of the Whale and Kings Swords of Haste to be had. ‘Who wants that crap’, thought Hairy. ‘I’ll take a Useless mace of the Fool any day!’ Empty handed, Hairy headed back to Ogden’s and sat down at a table.
He had ordered a beer and some kind of meat dish (it was never wise to inquire as to exactly what kind of meat Ogden served) and just as the barmaid was delivering the beer from the bar, Woody entered the Tavern. The entire left side of his face was bright red.
“Hahaha, smacked you again huh?” Hairy laughed.
Woody sat dejected at the table.
“Yeah, she did.” he said. “I just don’t understand women at all. I mean the conversation was going pretty well and the WHAMO! She up and pops me one in the beezer. Didn’t slap me this time either, she hit me with her fist. HER FIST!” Woody wailed, still in shock.
“Just like that? With no warning? Are you sure you didn’t say something stupid?”
“No, honest! We were talking about this and that when I started bragging about what a great day we had yesterday. I told her we found all kinds of great stuff. She asked me what we had found and shortly thereafter she jacked me one!”
“Well, what was the last thing you said? Right before she hit you?” Hairy asked.
“Well, like I said, she was showing a lot of interest in our haul yesterday so I told her that, “we could go up to my room and I’d show her my Bent Staff of Disease.”
Hairy broke into uncontrollable fits of laughter.
Woody glowered at his friend, but eventually the laughter got a little contagious and he started laughing too.
“Oh damn,” Woody said, “I blew it again. When will I learn” he pondered.
“I’d say never”
“You know, I’m getting pretty sick and tired of you cracking on me for striking out with Gillian. At least I have the balls to step up to the plate.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Hairy.
“It means that it’s no big secret that you’ve got the hot’s for Adria. Hell, I don’t blame ya, she’s a good looking woman. If she’d only do something about that ‘skunky stripe’ in her hair she’d be that much better looking.”
Hairy’s face took on a far-away look at the mention of Adria. He snapped himself out of it and said “yeah, so what’s your point?”
“My point is that I’m in the game. I’m asking Gillian out on dates. I’m taking a shot. You just dream about Adria. You never ask her out on a date. Your a wimp.” Woody said. “Is that enough of a point?”
Hairy bit back an angry retort. He hated to admit it, but his friend had a point.
“Ok then Mr. Swinger,” Hairy said. “If it’ll shut your yap, we’ll just go over and pay a visit to Adria after breakfast. Is that’s ok with your busy schedule?”
Woody grinned broadly, “fine by me,” he said.
The rest of the meal was eaten in silence. Woody, even though his face and jaw stung a little (Gillian has a hell of a right hook), ate voraciously. Hairy on the other hand seemed to have lost his appetite. A dread overtook him at the prospect of actually asking Adria out on a date and as a result angst replaced his hunger. He did manage to drink his beer though (and several more).
After breakfast, the two friends began the walk to Adria’s Hut. Much like the meal that they just shared, the walk was void of conversation. They had made their way through town and were preparing to cross the river they had bathed in a few hours ago when Woody said “wait here” and dashed off into a near by thicket. When he emerged, covered it burrs and thorns, he was holding 5 Black Orchids. He handed them to Hairy.
“Here you go man, they match her raven hair. Chicks dig flowers.”
“Thanks Woody, I owe you one.” Hairy studied the flowers. It was widely believed that Black Orchids were bad luck, but Hairy figured that maybe such a gift would appeal to a witch. He hoped that was the case anyways.
Not too much after Woody had retrieved the flowers they reached Adria’s Hut. She greeted them at the door with her standard “I sense a soul in search of answers.”
“Uhmm, good day Adria.” Hairy stammered. “You look quite lovely in that dress.”
Adria seemed to like the compliment, so he continued.
“I was, uhm, wondering if you weren’t doing anything anytime, well, maybe we could, uhm, maybe, have dinner together?” Hairy said in a breaking voice. At that last part he wilted, expecting the rejection that he feared. “Oh, I almost forgot. Here are some flowers for you. They’re Black Orchids. Do you like them?”
“Oh my,” Adria cooed. “I LOVE Black Orchids. And, yes, I would love to have dinner with you. I’m amazed that it took you this long to ask me. I’ve noticed the way you look at me.”
Hairy was on cloud nine. This went well beyond his wildest dreams. “I’m glad you like the flowers,” he said after a long silence.
“I truly do, thank you.”
“Ya know,” Woody broke in. “The flowers are just like your raven hair.”
“Really?”
A sense of pure dread and panic swept over Hairy. NOOOOO! Not this! Everything was going so well! He just COULDN’T ruin it, could he? It was too late, Hairy had no chance to stop the next words out of Woody’s mouth. He knew that his dreams were about to be shattered.
“Yeah,” Woody continued. “Just like your hair, ‘cept for that ‘skunky part’ that is.”
“I beg your pardon,” Adria said in measured tones. Her face was darkening by the second.
“Aw, you know. That white ‘skunky thing’ you got going up there. You’d be a fine looking broad if it weren’t for that.”
The world exploded.
Adria, in a fury, began sending streams of lightning and fire at the two Beyond Naked Mages. Golems formed from the earth and descended upon the two. Elementals appeared from this air and charged. The world was chaos.
With his premonition of what was coming, Hairy was ready. At Adria’s first move, he raised his mana shield and stood before his friend taking the majority of the attack. That gave Woody enough time to gather his wits and raise his shield as well.
They broke and ran. Ran faster than they ever had. All Adria and her conjuration’s saw of them were “asses and elbows.”
[several hours later at Ogden’s]
“Well, it’s been one hell of a day, don’t you think?” Woody asked.
“Yeah, it sure has.”
“I guess it’s time to pay the bills,” Woody said as he pulled out his harmonica.
“Actually,” Hairy interrupted. “You won’t need to make us suffer through your playing tonight to start a fight.”
“Really, why’s that?”
“Because I owe you one after this morning.”
With that, Hairy hit Woody with a furious left-right-left and the whole place erupted into a melee.
Ogden sat behind the bar grinning, his thoughts on the money he was making by just watching…
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Four: The Void.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
“Uhghh,” Woody groaned. His head was pounding, his ribs were sore and his “naughty bits” felt as if someone gave ‘em a good kick. As he opened his eyes he found himself in his room at the Inn. “Not real sure how I got here,” he thought to himself. He squinted as he looked out the window and figured it was around 2 o’clock in the afternoon. He had slept pretty late but he didn’t care. It was quite an effort, but Woody managed to drag himself over to the wash basin where he was going to submerge his head into the inviting cold water. “Eewww,” Woody said just before he plunged his head in, “someone puked in my basin.” As the memories of last night became clearer he mumbled to himself, “oh yeah, I blew the chunks in the basin. I guess it’s back to bathing in the river for me.”
As he made his way through the hustle and bustle of everyday life in Tristam, Woody carefully reviewed what had happened yesterday. “Let’s see,” he began. “I struck out with Gillian. I ruined Hairy’s chances with Adria. Hairy kicked my ass.” He grinned despite himself, “all in all, not a bad day!” Soon his grin faded as he remembered why his “ding-ding” was so sore. Just after Hairy had unleashed that combo last night, Ogden’s broke into a full scale melee, Woody had managed to find refuge from the fracas under a table in the corner. Shortly thereafter, rogue crawled under the table with him. She was dressed to the hilt in full plate mail, jewelry galore and one hell of a good looking bow. He should have been able to read the signs, but his intuition always failed him.
“Fear not lass, the Wood-Man is here to protect you!” Woody said in the most chivalrous voice he could muster. With that he embraced the vixen protectively with both arms. In hindsight, he still didn’t remember consciously grabbing her bottom.
“You PIG!” The rogue raved.
Woody felt her armored elbow slam into his midsection. She leapt to her feet, knocking the table over.
As she towered over him, eyes wild, she said “I wanted to avoid the brawl because I didn’t want to hurt any one, I never intended to cuddle up with you. Now however, I’m back in the fighting mood.”
Woody had cringed as far back in the corner as possible, but it didn’t do a bit of good. She reached for him with both hands, one grabbing him by the neck and the other grabbing him by the crotch. She heaved him into the air and promptly hurled him through a window.
He had just finished reliving that last part as he finished freshening up in the river. “It was bad enough she threw me through the window,” Woody thought. “She sure as hell didn’t need to storm into the street and kick me in the balls one more time for good measure.”
As Woody made his way back into town, he decided that he had better avoid Hairy today. He was probably still pissed about yesterday, so Woody decided to find something else to do. Before he knew it, he had stumbled into “Clan Town.”
Clan Town was where the local Clans and Guilds constructed their “Halls.” Each one was different from the other and most were a reflection of their respective Guilds. The more evil aligned ones were ominous looking, while the Halls of some of the more poetic Clans Halls looked almost ethereal. Warriors, rogues and sorcerers came and went in every direction and soon Woody became disoriented.
He continued to wander for a while when he came upon a very mideaval looking Hall with a sign that proclaimed it as the meeting place for Snakegod. Woody boldly entered.
As he walked into the main room, he immediately sensed the tension in the room. There were several Snakes scattered throughout the room that he recognized, namely Lok, Pel and shaft6. There was a scowling figure perched upon the Snakegod throne. He was taunting Snakes and visitors alike with equal zeal. Woody noticed that if anyone challenged this person they were lifted into the air by unseen hands and hurled into a murky bottomless pool in the center of the Hall. Woody decided to walk over to Lok to see if he could find out what was going on.
“Hiya Lok, what gives?”
Lok looked fairly agitated by the situation, “THAT is Eugene.” He said “He somehow got control of the magic Hammer and is in control of the Hall. He is raving about the Queen and some zoo or something.”
“Hmmm,” Woody hmmm’d. “Well lets just see what we shall see.” Woody boldly strode towards the throne where Eugene sat.
“EXCUSE ME! I have something to say.” Woody announced.
“I no think I care to hear what you want say.” Eugene responded. With the finality of his words, he brought the magical Hammer down with a loud “clack.”
Woody felt himself lifted into the air, yet there was no one near him. He sought to yell out, but his voice had fled. He was as helpless as a newborn babe as he was hurled into the inky blackness of the pool.
The darkness was thick. “Where am I?” Woody said to the nothingness.
“You are in the void.” Came the high pitched reply.
Woody looked around and discovered who had answered him. “What” had answered him was a better description. He was looking at a small rabbit wielding a bow of sorts. The rabbit seemed to be made of some pink, moist gunk.
“Oh well, I gave you fair warning.” Said Woody. With that he promptly picked up the moist bunny. As he lifted the creature he was finally able to see it for what it was. It was a Spam Bunny. “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a damn Spam Bunny.” Woody announced just before he drop kicked the creature.
Woody sighed. “Now what?” he thought. Without any better ideas, he just started to aimlessly wander. Soon he was daydreaming of Gillian again. Gillian in a nightgown. Gillian in a nightgown and a tub of jello in the corner. Gillian in a nightgown with a tub of jello in the corner and a snorkel…
“Watch where the hell your going,” came a familiar voice.
Woody had just bumped into Hairy. After the shock of finding his friend down here, he gave his buddy a big hug. Hairy never noticed that Woody had just wiped spam juice all over his back.
“Hairy!” Woody shouted. “Am I glad to see you! What are you doing here? Do you know the way out?”
“Ok little buddy, slow down. It’s good to see you too. I came down here to vent some left over anger from yesterday.”
“Your not still pissed are you?” Woody said warily.
“Nah, not anymore. Whenever I need to blow off some steam, I either punch you or come down here and beat the crap out of those damn Spam Bunnies. I couldn’t find you, so here I am.” Hairy gestured. “Getting out is easy. Just close your eyes and repeat “there’s no place like home” three times.”
“Are you goofing with me or what,” Woody said suspiciously.
“Not at all,” came the reply.
Woody sighed and closed his eyes. “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s…” OOMMPH! Woody doubled over as Hairy punched him in the stomach.
“There, I feel better.” Hairy said, grinning broadly. “Can’t believe you fell for that one.”
Hairy waved his hands and mumbled some words of magic and a portal opened before the two. “C’mon little buddy,” Hairy said as he helped his friend to his feet. “I’ll buy you a beer.”
“After that cheap shot, you’ll buy me two.” Woody mumbled as the duo entered the portal that would take them back to Tristam.
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Five: Brother can you spare an ear?
Bonus section: The Vixen part 2…
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
Woody floated in an abyss. His whole body felt a little tingly. He had no memories to speak of, yet visions floated in and out of his consciousness like wisps of smoke from a tabac pipe. Gently, he felt a pulling sensation. He embraced it. He felt as if he were drifting in an ethereal ocean, letting the current pull him as was it’s want. The tingly sensation began to itch his arse and he gave it a good scratch. ‘How ironic” he though to himself as memories of a place called Tristam formed. ‘I have absolutely no inhibitions about scratching ‘this’ or picking ‘that’ in a public place like Tristam, yet here in utter isolation, I feel as if I shouldn’t be doing it. Hmmmm.’ As he contemplated the philosophical ramifications of his butt-scratching, a red dot appeared before him. The dot seemed quite a good distance away but it was growing steadily. Soon the dot was bigger than any building he’d ever been in and he was hurtling towards it at a now unbelievable velocity.
“Aaaahhhhh!!!” Woody screamed as he was plunged into the red sphere.
“Shut UP!” A voiced rasped.
Woody opened his eyes and the world was red. A towering figure stood over him wearing shinning plate mail and carrying a wooden staff carved with runes of power. As he gathered his wits, Woody noticed that Hairy and Wormwood were just a few feet away. They too were barely coherent.
Out of nowhere, Woody was bathing in a white light. It was as near to ecstasy as he had ever felt. As a matter of fact, he began to live up to his name. As the light subsided, he was standing and the redness was gone from his vision.
“JUST WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS CRAP?!?” The raspy voice rasped again.
Memories began to form and he now remembered who this guy was. His name was ‘LameAssCheater.’ He had offered to join Hairy, Wormwood and Woody on an excursion to the church. They had barely stepped off the stairs when LameAssCheater muttered a few words of power. Waves of lightning erupted from that staff he was carrying. Woody didn’t remember much after that. He did have a feeling that this happened twice though. He wasn’t real sure why he felt that way, it was just a hunch.
“HEY, MAGGOT! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION! JUST WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH THIS CRAP YOU CALL GEAR?!?” the raspy voice kept on rasping.
It finally sunk in. LameAssCheater had pk’d them and then monster-killed them. He was now raving over their gear, which he surely expected to be valuable in a conventional sense. Woody grinned in spite of himself.
“What?” Woody said. “You don’t want any of that stuff? Well how ‘bout some of this stuff instead.” With that Woody shoved both hands into his pockets and brought forth his collection of rings and amulets. “I’ve got a Frogs Ring, will that do? No? How about a Brass amulet of the Fool? That ought to fit you nicely.”
LameAssCheater smacked Woody’s hands and the jewelry went flying. He followed that up with a good kick to Woody’s ‘nuts’. He then stormed out of the dungeon and headed back to town.
“Why is everyone always kicking me THERE!?!” Woody wailed as tears came unbidden to his eyes.
He had just started to reach for some res scrolls for his bud’s when it occurred to him that there was something not right with his hearing. He tentatively reached for his left ear and found it missing. ‘Damn’ he thought to himself, where did my ear go? ‘I wonder if LameAssCheater took it’ he mused while he scanned the ground for his ear. Almost as if in answer to his thought, the left side of his head began to throb. When it had subsided, his hearing had returned. A touch revealed that his ear had magically regenerated itself, just like it had a thousand times before.
Woody wasted no more time and resurrected his friends.
When they had come too, they began the task of picking up their scattered equipment. Wormwood began to laugh.
“Hot DAMN, that was worth it!” Wormwood said between fits of laughter. “Just to see the look on that dorks face when he saw what he got for his troubles was priceless.”
“Yeah,” answered Hairy. “It’s nice to turn the tables on lame ass cheaters like LameAssCheater.”
“So, what now?”
“I guess we continue on in our search for more cursed stuff.” Hairy said to Wormwood.
“Sounds good to me.”
“Ya know,” broke in Woody. “I’m not much in the mood anymore. I think I’ll call it a day.” A melancholy had seeped into his soul and he needed to purge it. He needed to play his Blues Harp.
“No problem Woody,” Hairy said. “See you latter tonight.”
“C’ya Wood-Man.” Wormwood called after him.
With that, two Beyond Naked Mages delved deeper into the dungeon, and one sought out some solace.
[a short while latter…]
The Vixen was wandering. She had her bow slung over a shoulder and walked with no purpose or direction. These little walks she often took helped her to sort through the things that often occupied a beautiful rogues mind. Things like:
“Does my ass look big in this armor?”
“Why does my boyfriend prefer the company of his buddies?”
“Did he really mean it when he said he ‘loved’ me? Or was he just trying to get into my chastity belt?”
She was mulling over that last one when she heard the most sensual music she had ever heard. It was coming from a cluster of bushes just off to her right. As she approached the bushes, she noticed that there was a faintly worn path leading deep into the thicket.
She paused a minute and let the music wash over her. The music had a low sad tone, she felt as if she might cry. It was truly overpowering her senses. The tempo began to slowly change, slightly faster than before. Her heart began to ache. The music increased in tempo again, this time slightly transforming into a more animalistic rage. She felt herself flush at the notes. They had an almost hypnotic affect on her. It was intoxicating to say the least. As the music reached a crescendo, she could hold back no longer. She charged into the thicket recklessly, she HAD to find out where that music was coming from. Limbs reached out for her as she charged down the path. With a few strides, she had cleared the vegetation.
As the final notes died away, Vixen gasped. She had emerged into a hidden valley. Wildflowers grew all over. There was a softly gurgling waterfall emptying into a small lake. Birds and small furry creatures lounged around in lazy delight. They were curiously silent until the last of the music died away, then they began to chirp as if in response. And then she saw him. The Harp player that had for a moment, stolen her heart.
“YOU!” She stammered.
The Vixen could not believe her eyes. Sprawled out on the grass was the mage that she had beat the crap out of yesterday. The one that had grabbed her bottom. And here she was, in front of him once again. Maybe it was an aftereffect of that wonderful music, but she began to see him in a different light. He might be dressed in some VERY ratty chain mail, but he was handsome in a rugged way. If only he’d comb his hair once in a while (and stop scratching his butt).
Woody was startled to say the least. No one had ever found his secret valley before. When he realized just how cruel the fates were for making THIS particular rogue the first one to stumble on to his sanctuary, he began to shake uncontrollably.
“Calm down,” The Vixen said in velvety tones. “I’m not here for that. I just want to know where you learned to play the Blues Harp like that. It was incredible.”
Woody seemed about ready to answer her, when he clamped his hand over his mouth.
“C’mon, no need to be shy. I really want to know. You have a reputation for being a LOUSY Harp player, I would have never guessed that you were so good.”
Woody seemed to relax a bit, but it was short lived. He removed his hand from his mouth long enough to root a roll of duct tape from his backpack. He quickly tore off a strip and taped his mouth shut. He then proceeded to write something in the dirt with a stick. The Vixen went over to see what it was.
‘mouth shut, I no say bad stuff. You no get mad.’ It said.
“I understand,” Vixen lied. “Your music touched me though. Would you mind if I gave you something in return? Maybe a small hug?”
Woody shook his head yes as he stood.
The Vixen embraced him almost tenderly. Then she felt his hand on her….
[a short while later…]
Woody lay in a crumpled mess. The Vixen had REALLY worked him out this time. Why did she react like that? No matter how many times she said it, he still didn’t remember having EVER touched her bottom. That’s what really disturbed him. He didn’t doubt he’d grabbed her ass, he just wished he could remember it.
To be continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Seven: Entrance to the Cow Level
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. You can also find the earlier chapters there as well.
If you enjoy this series, drop me a line, I’d like to hear some feedback.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
On with the story…
“Well, here it is.” Woody proclaimed.
“It’s a pile of cow crap,” observed Hairy.
“Yep, it is. But it is sooo much more. I have it on a VERY reliable source that this is our ticket to the magical and elusive Cow Level.”
For a few seconds, no one moved or spoke. Woody had a silly grin on his face and Hairy and Wormwood looked skeptical at best. Shaft’s expression was blank.
Woody, Hairy and Wormwood had been sharing a table at Ogden’s and downing more than their share of beer. After their umpteenth pitcher, Woody proudly proclaimed that he had discovered the secret to the mysterious “Cow Level.” Shaft, the beautiful and deadly rogue (weren’t they all?), had been listening with interest from nearby table and had joined the group at the mention of the Cow Level. She was a friend of the Beyond Naked Mages and was welcomed into the discussion. A fresh round of beers were poured and Woody related a story…
“I was just sorta wandering, like I like to do, when I bumped into this warrior type. He was dirty as hell, smelled like rotten eggs, was dressed up in rags and didn’t have any weapons. Like things weren’t bad enough for him, the dude was downright ugly. I talking U-G-L-Y. Why, he was so ugly, his face could push a fart through a bag of nails. But I digress. This guy, Mr. Ugly, well he shoves this parchment into my hands, laughs a goofy little laugh and takes off. Just up and ran away. Well, I gives this parchment a look I’ll be damned if it ain’t an ancient spell on how to activate the portal to the Cow Level. I took it to Cain and he confirmed what the inscriptions said.”
Wormwood interrupted, “But was he able to validate the spell?”
“Nope, just the inscriptions.”
“And that’s what you want us to follow?” Hairy said in a belligerent tone. “The ramblings of some ugly warrior?”
“Doncha get it? If this isn’t our ticket to the Cow Level, so what? What have we lost? But, if it is…” Woody let the question hang in the air. For several moments no one spoke.
“Count me in.” said Shaft. “I’ve got a taste for adventure and what the hell, I don’t have anything better to do today.”
Woody beamed at her and then looked at his friends each in turn. “Well? Are you in or out?”
“Oh, what the hell” Hairy said. Wormwood nodded is ascent also.
That’s how the four of them came to be on the verge of the cow field. On the promises of adventure and fame. On the ravings of one really, really ugly warrior. On the reputation of Woody, which should have served as a warning right off the bat.
“So now what?” asked Wormwood.
“Hang on a sec,” came the reply. Woody bent over the pile of cow manure and drew his Tin Dagger. He dug in the manure for a time and eventually extracted several mushrooms. Removing his Helm of Tears, he turned it over and filled it with water from a flagon he kept at his belt. The then proceeded to wash the mushrooms in the helm. After a short while, he had cleaned the fungi and handed a stalk to each person in turn.
“Eat ‘em,” Woody said as he downed his portion.
“Aw hell man, these things smell like crap.” Wormwood groaned after taking a whiff of the mushroom stalk.
“Yes they do. They don’t taste much better either. Now, if you guys are with me on this thing, eat the damn mushrooms so we can proceed to the next step.”
Shaft shrugged and ate hers. Hairy reached into his pack and brought forth a piece of taffy. He wrapped the mushroom in the taffy and ate the concoction.
“Hey! Good idea ya got there Hairy, got anymore?” Wormwood asked. Hairy shook his head and Wormwood moaned. “Aw hell.” With that, he pinched his nose shut with one hand and fed himself the mushroom with the other. The whole time he ate the mushroom he wailed, whined and rolled around on the ground in utter agony. Woody grinned at that one. He thought that Wormwood would react like that. That’s exactly the reason he didn’t thoroughly wash his mushroom.
“Ok,’ Woody announced, “now we wait ‘til sunset. Should be here in about twenty minutes or so.”
Woody and Shaft sat next to each other and yakk’d about this and that. Eventually Woody drew his Blues Harp and played a little. Shaft sat back and listened contentedly. Hairy and Wormwood began a friendly game of cards, using some of their excess jewelry as stakes. Before long, dusk had arrived.
All four of them felt a little “tingly.” Woody stood and went over to Hairy and handed him the parchment. He told him to recite the magic words when Woody told him to. Woody then lead Wormwood over to a cow and made him stand right in front of it. He told him that when he was prompted, he should lick the cow on the nose. This he said was the most crucial part of the incantation and if he didn’t do it, the spell would be ruined. There was no truth to that, Woody just really, really wanted to see it. Woody then led Shaft over to the same cow and put her in the “milking” position.
“I’m no milkmaid,” Shaft said in an annoyed tone.
“Of course your not my dear. But this is just as important a role as the others. If you don’t do this, the spell will be ruined.”
Shaft acquiesced. She didn’t seem to like it, but she didn’t complain.
Woody assumed a sorta “spoon” position behind her and reached for the udders also. She was about to protest when he told her again how important it was that everyone “do their part, or the spell won’t work.”
“Ain’t I a stinker,” Woody thought to himself. He knew that the ONLY part of the spell that mattered was the mushrooms and the reading of the spell. The rest was just a joke. He marveled at his accomplishment. Wormwood, when called to do so, was going to lick the cows nose. He could hardly keep himself from busting out laughing. Shaft, was allowing him snuggle up to her. He bit his lip so hard to keep himself from laughing that he was greeted with the warm taste of blood.
Woody nodded to Hairy, who then began the incantation. The words changed the very air around them. Small electrical charges began to appear. The wind picked up. Woody feigned fright and pressed himself harder against Shaft.
Woody whispered to Shaft to begin. The two of them began to milk the cows with zeal. Woody had told her to mimic what he did. Said something about the progression being called “Dueling Udders.”
Hairy’s voice became stressed as the spell reached a crescendo. Woody nodded to Wormwood, timing it so that his lick would coincide with the final word of the spell.
At the same time, Hairy shouted the final word of power, the one that completed the spell and Wormwood liked the cow smack dab on the nose.
There was a blinding flash and then the world went dead. The wind and lightning had stopped. The normal sounds of the forest were hushed. As their vision returned, they noticed a green portal had opened in between three cows. The rag-tag group rose to their feet and approached the portal as if in a trance. One by one, they entered the portal. Each one in a dreamlike state.
When they came to their senses, the four adventurers were in another world. They were standing in a forest clearing. One that they had never seen before. Any thoughts that they were still in their home world quickly vanished as they surveyed the strange plants and flowers all around. Beyond that, their clothing had changed as well. They all stared at each other in disbelief. All of their weapons and belongings were gone. Right down to the clothes on their backs. Instead of standing in the strange meadow naked, they were garbed in animal-fur loincloths. Woody openly oogled Shaft. She had a fur bikini that made Woody’s mouth water.
“What the hell?” Wormwood stammered.
“Seems we’re in it pretty deep.” Hairy moaned.
“If you don’t stop oogling me, I’m gonna make The Vixen look like a healer.” Shaft said to Woody.
Woody blinked and turned away for two reasons. One, he genuinely liked Shaft, she was a good companion. Two, he didn’t doubt that she would kick his ass.
They all just sorta stood there, no one seemed to have any idea as to what to do next. That’s when they heard the drums.
“Those sound like war-drums, and I think they’re coming this way. Follow me!” Shaft said.
She took off for the cover of the forest and the mages followed. They followed for two reasons. One, they didn’t doubt her expertise in scouting and forestry. Two, it provided a nice view.
To Be Continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Seven: The Cow Level part 2: Captured!
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. Also, this is a work in progress and you can find the earlier chapters there as well.
If you enjoy this series, drop me a line, I like to hear feedback.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
[When we last left our heroes, Shaft the rogue and Woody, Hairy and Wormwood the beyond naked mages had completed the ritual that had opened a portal to the mythical Cow Level. After entering the portal, they found themselves in a strange forest clearing. All of their worldly possessions were gone, right down to the clothes on their backs. They weren’t naked however, they were garbed in animal fur loincloths. Shaft was sporting a fashionable fur bikini (leopard skin of course). Before they had a chance to figure out what was going on (or oogle Shaft), they heard approaching war drums and fled into the forest with Shaft in the lead]
On with the story…
“Dammit!” Cursed Shaft.
Shaft, Woody, Hairy and Wormwood had been running for their very lives. The companions were somewhere on what could only be the Cow Level and they were being hunted. Their pursuers made no attempt at approaching with stealth, they pounded their war drums incessantly. Shaft, being the most skilled woods guide had lead them in their escape from the drums, but just when they thought they had put the drums behind them, the drumming would be heard coming from another direction. It was almost as if they were being herded. They now found themselves in a clearing that turned into a dead end. Before them was a sheer cliff and behind them the drums approached…
“Well,” Wormwood panted, “what now?”
“They have us cut off, I think we have to make a stand.” Said Shaft as she surveyed the landscape. She found what she had been searching for in short order. She walked over to a fallen tree limb and broke the smaller branches off of the larger one. Before long, she had fashioned a makeshift warstaff. The beyond naked mages followed suit and soon they were all armed with staves. While they were arming themselves, the drums had been getting louder and louder.
Then, when the drums seemed right on top of them, the drumming stopped.
The four adventurers formed a semi-circle with their backs to the cliff and anxiously awaited the inevitable confrontation. They didn’t have to wait long. Silent as shadows, several forms slipped from the tree line into the clearing with the grace of elves…and the bodies of cows. They weren’t cows in a conventional sense. These cows walked upright and judging by their horns, they must have been bulls. The bulls wore black leather armor and carried various weapons. Some had hand to hand weapons, some had ranged weapons and some carried nets. By the time they had formed ranks in front of the adventurers, there were roughly 24 menacing looking bulls.
“I can’t be sure,” whispered Hairy, “but are they smiling at us?”
“Looks like the smile of a predator” came Shafts reply. “Maybe if we rush one end of their ranks, some of us might be able to get away…”
“EEEYYYYAAAHHHHH!” Woody screamed and charged one of the smaller bulls on the end of the formation. He was brandishing his staff like a whirling dervish and he meant to eat some steak tonight. As he neared his victim, he brought his staff down with all the might he could muster.
As smooth as silk, the bull reached out with a half hoof, half hand and grabbed the staff. He deftly plucked it from Woody’s grasp and promptly broke it over his head. Woody went down in a heap.
Hairy watched his friend go down with shock. “Whelp,” he said, “okee-dokee, I give up.” With that he promptly laid his staff upon the ground and locked his hands behind his head.
“Yeah buddy,” echoed Wormwood, “me too.” Just as Hairy had done, he too surrendered his staff and ‘assumed the position.’
Shaft’s expression was one of pure shock as she watched Hairy and Wormwood lay down their staves. She would like nothing more than to beat the living crap out of them for giving up without a fight, but she knew better. With the way that “small” bull had handled Woody, she knew that to attack would be suicide. She considered for a moment if the bulls would interfere if she pummeled Hairy and Wormwood. With reluctance, she surrendered as well.
The largest bull came forward. He had a scowl on his face (and a ring in his nose). “You speak the common tongue.” He moo’d bluntly. He then turned to one of the bulls carrying ropes and a net and ordered him to bind the companions.
While Shaft, Hairy and Wormwood were being reluctantly bound, the smallish bull that had thumped Woody picked him up like a rag doll and threw him over it’s shoulder. With deft efficiency, the companions were bound and placed in a formation, surrounded by the bulls. They were marched for a couple of hours, and eventually approached an encampment. As they neared the small settlement, the companions began to see more and more “cows.” These creatures were similar in stature to the bulls, yet they wore no armor. They came in varying sizes and colors. Some were solid black or brown and some were white with colored splotches. They also saw a noticeable difference in the bulls. Some had long horns, some had short ones. All in all, the population was quite diverse.
Wormwood leaned over to Hairy, “did you notice…”
“No talking!” Moo’d the lead Bull. He gave Wormwood a slight slap in the back of the head for punctuation.
Wormwood was about to ask Hairy if he noticed a similarity between the Cow Village and Tristam. The buildings were of a different architecture, but they were roughly the same size and in the same location. As they were marched through the village, they noticed that every cow was immersed in the day to day activities that typified a “human” village. Also, they drew nothing more that curious glances from the adult bovines. The younger ones, the calves, formed a rag-tag escort for the column. Pretending that they too were soldiers returning with prisoners.
The march ended at a sort of jailhouse. The companions were herded into a cell of their own. There were several other cells adjacent to theirs that had occupants as well. One cell held a monkey. Another, right next to theirs had a few humans and yet another held a Lion, a Scarecrow, a Tin Man and a small girl in a blue dress.
The “soldiers” locked their cell and left them alone with the other prisoners. Shaft sat on the floor and cradled Woody’s head in her lap. He had a gash on the crown of his head that she began to treat as best she could given the circumstances. Hairy wandered over to the bars dividing their cell with the one with the humans and Wormwood went over to the bars between them and the Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the small girl in a blue dress.
“Excuse me,” a man said to Hairy in a Spanish accent. He wore brown pants and a brown vest over a white shirt. His hair was long and curly. “You dona happin to ‘ave sis fingers ona your right hand?”
“What are you? A Mexican?” Hairy replied.
“No sir, I ama a Spaniard. Ana I hate to pry, buy do’ya happin to ‘ave sis fingers ona your right hand?”
Hairy blinked in confusion. He held up his right hand to the Spaniard to show that he only had five fingers.
The Spaniard sighed. “You see, my fatha was a slaughtered by a sis fingered man. When I find this man, I will say ‘Hallo, my name is Enigo Montoya, you kill my fatha, prepare to die!’ But it hasa been twenty years, I ama beginning to get discouraged.”
Hairy raised his left wrist before his face and said, “Oooh, darn it, look at the time! I think I need to go check on my friend.” Hairy moved away from the Spaniard, mumbling “freak” under his breath the whole way.
Wormwood had an equally bizarre encounter. He had approached the bars and looked at the four odd characters before him.
“Let me guess,” he opened, “Dorothy, right?”
The Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the little girl in a blue dress wore guarded expressions. They did not respond.
“C’mon, don’t be shy honey, is your name Dorothy or not? I’m only asking because we seem to be in a bit of a jam here. If you’re Dorothy, and you do have those nice red shoes, I’d appreciate it if you’d click those bad boys together three times, go home, and BRING SOME FRIGGIN’ HELP!”
The Lion began to shiver.
“Now see here!” The Tin Man said in a less than menacing voice.
Wormwood pointed behind the group and shouted “Look! Lions and tigers and bears!”
The Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the little girl in the blue dress nearly jumped out of their skins (and pelts). “OH MY!” Came the immediate reply.
“Hehehehe,” Wormwood laughed to himself, “gets ‘em every time.” He walked over and joined Shaft at about the same time that Hairy was returning.
“So what now?” Hairy asked.
“I guess we wait.” Shaft replied.
Shortly thereafter, two cows, with an escort of soldiers, entered the jailhouse. They were dressed in robes. The robes had absolutely no effect on covering their protruding udders. “You will come with us,” a cow moo’d. “Do not be afraid, you will not be harmed. The soldiers here will carry your friend.”
“That won’t be necessary,” replied Hairy. “We can manage just fine thankyouverymuch.”
To his friends surprised, Woody sprang to his feet. “I can walk, I don’t need to be carried.” As Shafts expression began to darken he continued, “now Shaft, don’t be mad. I was in my own little slice of heaven while I was laying there with my head in your lap. I just couldn’t resist.” Woody grinned an impish grin.
Shafts expression softened and the companions were marched out of the cell, out of the jailhouse and into the unknown…
To Be Continued…
The Adventures of Woody and Hairy:
Part Eight: The Cow Level part 3: Juxtapositions and Reality Folds.
Note: this story is based on Beyond Naked Mages, I suggest you check out the web page before you read this, you may appreciate it more. Also, this is a work in progress and you can find the earlier chapters there as well.
If you enjoy this series, drop me a line, I like to hear feedback.
Http://www.win.net/homefield/diablo
[When we last left our heroes, Shaft the rogue, Woody, Hairy and Wormwood the beyond naked mages had been captured on the Cow Level. All of their worldly possessions were gone, right down to the clothes on their backs. They weren’t naked however, they were garbed in animal fur loincloths. Shaft was sporting a fashionable fur bikini (leopard skin of course). They had just been visited in their jail cell by a Cow that was now instructing them to follow her (it?)]
On with the story…
The four stalwart Adventurers, Shaft, Woody, Hairy and Wormwood, followed the cow out of their cells and into the street. As they left the jailhouse they saw a bull with clipped horns giving some sort of directions to a group of cows. The bull finished his business and joined the group.
“Allow me to introduce myself,” he moo’d. “My name is Cornelius and the beautiful cow that has escorted you out of our jailhouse is my wife, Dr. Zira.”
“Oh, your right about that,” Woody broke in. “Her beauty astonishes me. In fact, right at this very moment I’m imagining her smothered in barbecue sauce and holding a baked potato.”
“Shut up you fool!” Shaft hissed as she elbowed Woody in the gut. As he doubled over, grasping for air, he was eye-level to her, um, bikini top. She noticed him gawking and smacked him on the head for good measure.
The cows moo’d a chuckle.
“Whenever your finished,” Cornelius moo’d. “We have a quick tour planned which will be followed by a sort of question-answer period. After that…” He let the statement trail off. “First, my wife will take a moment to clarify some things.”
As Dr. Zira began talking, the rag-tag group weaved it’s way through the Cow Village. With so many similarities between the Cow’s Village and Tristam, the companions paid very little attention to their surroundings and instead focused on Dr. Zira’s moo’ving oration (insert for DeVasque).
“I’m sure by now your very confused about what’s going on. That’s natural, don’t be worried. You are in a plane of existence that has seen many changes over the past several million years. This plane, the ‘Cow Level’ as you affectionately call it, touches all other planes of existence through ‘juxtapositions’ and ‘”reality” folds.’ It’s really a very complex phenomenon, before I get into it, let me give a quick history of the ‘Cow Level.’”
“On this plane of existence, each creature gets a shot at being the dominant species. It was originally a human controlled society. The humans were at the top of the food chain for a very, very long time. But, humans are self-destructive by nature, and eventually the balance of power shifted. Gradually, the human dominance waned and the apes took over. They also held sway for many thousands of years and this plane of existence became known as ‘The Planet of the Apes.’ Those were dark times. The Apes were cruel, much worse than the humans, but as all things do, their dominance came to an end as well. Many, many, times the balance of power shifted. Many, many species rose to the top of the food chain for a brief period. Some held sway for a few generations, some longer. They were good times and bad as all sorts of creatures got to be ‘king for a day’ so to speak. Anyways, we are now in the time of the Cows. We have been in control for many thousands of years and will soon pass the Apes for second place in length of power.”
“Now, as for the matter of how you came to be with us. This plane of existence is susceptible to a peculiar phenomenon know as ‘Juxtapositions and “Reality” Folds.’ A juxtaposition, as you know is simple word describing two things that are side by side. That is the first part of how you came to be with us. Earlier I said that this plane touches all others. That wasn’t entirely accurate. What IS accurate is that this plane is juxtaposed with all others, meaning that they are essentially side-by-side. On occasion, the juxtaposed planes of ‘reality’ touch eachother, or “fold” if you will, and travel between planes is possible. Hence, here you are!”
“Hang on a sec,” Shaft said as she increased here pace until she was stride for stride with Dr. Zira. “You’ve emphasized the word ‘reality’ each time you’ve moo’d it. Will you please explain what you mean.”
Dr. Zira smiled in her own little coy cow way. “Good question! Reality is a hard concept for some people to fathom. Most people think in terms of their own little existence and fail to realize that reality is quite simply defined as what people believe is real. For example, that Spaniard back in the holding cell. Was he real? He sure thinks that he is and I’m sure that you’d agree, but, the people that ‘imagined’ him into existence think that he is nothing more than that. A figment of their imagination. However, their imagination gave him an existence and he then believed that existence to be real. That’s the way of things. You’d probably be surprised to know that there are some humans that don’t think that YOU are real. However, there are some that do, or did, and that gave you the opportunity to ‘believe’ that you were real!”
“Ok,” Woody interrupted, “whatever you say you sassy little prime rib. I only have one question.”
“Yes?” Dr. Zira moo’d in an amused tone.
“Are we gonna have a chance to spend some time with the Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the little girl in the blue dress? The reason I’m asking is ‘cause I REALLY wanted to ask if it was true what they say about the ‘Dark Side of the Moon.’ I just gotta know…”
“Sorry,” Dr. Zira moo’d, “that won’t be possible.”
“Damn.”
“I have a question,” said Wormwood, “you mentioned that many-species of creatures had a shot at being at the top of the food chain. Care to give us the highlights?”
“Sure thing, like I said, there were good times and bad times. There were also comical times. The good times and bad times are pretty intuitive. You know, the Time of the Tribbles was good and the Time of the ‘One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People-Eaters’ was pretty crappy. It’s the comical ones that really stand out. For instance, the time of the Oompa-Loompa’s was pretty hilarious. Imagine these little green skinned midgets in these silly white overall’s savagely torturing their life long tormentors; the Vamiscious Knids. Geez, that was hysterical. Another example is when ‘Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute’ was king of the world. Heh, everyone had to wear these nasty plaid jackets and big white belts. The men were happy and the women were miserable. Not that women didn’t have their grand champion as well. The Time of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ was an age of lesbianism ripe with frustrated males that were denied the one thing they really wanted: carnal knowledge of, and with, lesbians. The list goes on and on…”
As Dr. Zira let her answer trail off, the party of adventures and the Bull/Cow escort reached and amphitheater of sorts. As they entered, their escort lead the Adventurers through a tunnel and into the center of a large oval field of grass surrounded by stadium seats. The seats were nearly filled to capacity with Cows, Bulls and Calves. The Adventurers were led to the center of the field where a larger pile of what appeared to be their equipment was laying. Their gear was also intermixed with similar equipment, although much more powerfully magik’d. On the other side of the pile were three humans, two male and one female. They looked absolutely terrified.
“You have now reached a turning point in your stay with us,” Cornelius moo’d. “You can remain here and assume the role of the indigenous human population, which is to say “beasts of burden,” or you can go home. There is a catch however, in order to go home you must defeat, in combat, the humans across the pile from you. They too are from your “reality” and have chosen to fight rather than stay. Your gear and theirs is in the pile before you. If you choose to fight, you may select your gear from the pile first.”
“Hell,” Hairy said, “that ain’t no real choice. No way I’m living the rest of my days pulling a plow.” With that he went over to the pile and began rooting through it. All of the others joined him and began digging through the pile.
“What the hell is this crap?” Wormwood exclaimed.
It became apparent that anything that wasn’t theirs was fairly ridiculous in it’s power.
“You mean to tell me that those snotty-nosed punks over there have Godly Plate of the Whale for their armor?” Wormwood continued.
Sure enough, there were three sets of Godly Plate of the Whale in the pile along with King’s swords of Haste, Indestructible Staffs of Nova, etc.
The adventurers paused.
“I don’t know about you guys,” Woody said. “But I sure as hell ain’t leaving here without my stuff. I might look like a lamb on his way to the slaughter with my gear, but no punk-ass-lamer is going to get his hands on my Clumsy Bow of the Pit unless he’s prying it from my dead hands.” Having said that, Woody picked his stuff out of the pile. The rest of the group nodded in agreement and went after their stuff as well.
As it became apparent that the adventurers weren’t going to take anything that wasn’t theirs, the three humans that stood waiting their turn began to grin viscous little grins. Their anxiety turned quickly to a bold confidence. As the last of the adventurers retrieved their gear, the three remaining humans got their turn. They pounced on their stuff and soon they stood facing the Adventurers. Once they were boldly ensconced in their armor the three humans (one a Mage, one a Warrior and the last a Rogue) proudly proclaimed that they were the three principle members of the “Awsome and Koo Ass-Kicking-Cheating-Pkilling-Hack using-Lameass Lamers Klan of lower Michigan” and that they would fashion a necklace out of the Adventurers ears!
It didn’t take any direction from Cornelius before the melee began. As soon as the first Mana Shield was raised, all hell broke loose.
Shaft went one on one with the Sorcerer and soon had the better of him. He fought stupidly, relying on his gear to win the day. He flung fireball after fireball at Shaft, but none of them struck home. Shaft continued to circle him, never stopping in one place, and fired arrow after arrow into the Mage. Before long, his resources were depleted and his death scream proceeded the last breath that would ever leave his body.
Woody found himself one on one with the Rogue who proclaimed herself to be a Rouge. He knew that if he stopped moving, she would get a bead on him and it would be all over. He kept on dodging her arrows and when the opportunity presented itself, he cast a firewall right on to of her. Her screams of pain were pure joy. Joy turned to horror. As he was backing away from the “Rouge” he stumbled over a dead Mage’s body. The pause was enough for the “Rouge” to get a bead on him. With a wicked cackle, she took aim and fired arrow after arrow into the hapless Beyond Naked Mage’s body. His mana shield absorbed the initial onslaught, but soon it fell and Woody crumbled.
“NO!” Shaft screamed. She had just felled the Mage when Woody tripped over his corpse. She watched in horror as the “Rouge” peppered Woody with arrows. As he fell, she was already turning her deadly aim on the gloating “Rouge.” The “Rouge” was so absorbed in her own kill that she never saw Shafts incoming barrage. Although the damage was greatly reduced by the gear the “Rouge” was wearing, she was in stun-lock and unable to counter-attack. Soon Shaft had her second kill as the “Rouge” collapsed.
Hairy and Wormwood were getting nowhere with the Warrior. He was just too powerful for them. They phased in and out while hitting him with every spell in their books, nothing seemed to work. Elementals crashed into him, he kept on coming. Firballs immolated him, he kept on coming. No matter what attack the mages could muster, he kept on coming. The melee had reached a stalemate though. While they weren’t able to damage him, the Mages were deft enough to stay out of his reach and thus remained unharmed as well.
The Warrior had had enough. He heard the death crys of his companions and it was now time to end this nonsense. He sheathed his sword and drew forth a staff carved with runes. As he looked up he saw those two annoying ass Mages readying a spell. Too late for them. He saw the Rogue that had felled his comrades notch and arrow, and point it at him. Too late for her. He spoke the words of power. Lightning erupted in a wave from his position. He spoke the words again. And again. And again. Waves and waves of lightning flew from his staff. After the first few waves, he heard the Mages wail in death. He felt the Rogue’s arrows bouncing off of his armor, but she needed to do better than that. Before long he was rewarded with her death scream as well. He grinned in triumph…
[A short while later, Dr. Zira and Cornelius sat together alone in their house…]
“So what have we learned?” Cornelius mused.
“Well, it’s apparent that strength lies with those that favor equipment in place of skill. But, I believe that if those Mages were equipped on par with their abilities, the outcome would have been VERY lopsided indeed. The “Awsome and Koo Ass-Kicking-Cheating-Pkilling-Hack using-Lameass Lamers Klan of lower Michigan” wouldn’t have stood a chance.
“I agree.”
“So what now?”
“I guess we just wait for more test subjects…”
“I sure don’t envy the headache those Adventurers will have when they wake up. Too bad we had to give them that drug that erases their memories. I kinda liked them, they were very refreshing.”
“Yeah, me too. It’s the way it must be though. In their plane of existence, the Cow Level is a myth. Without that sort of ambiguity, our test results would be skewed.”
“I know, I know.”
“Well,” Cornelious moo’d, “what now?”
“Hmmm,” Dr. Zira moo’d a hmmm, “lets go have a talk with that ET thingy, I’m curious how he does that finger-glow trick…”
[In the cow field once again…]
Wormwood awoke with a splitting headache. His mouth tasted horrible, sorta like he’d been chewing on a skunk’s. Everything was a little fuzzy and the last thing he remembered was licking some cows nose.
He looked around and saw his companions strewn about the field. Hairy was laying in a fresh pile of cow manure and Woody was laying in top of Shaft.
Hehehe, Hairy laughed to himself as he stood and brushed himself off. Old Woodrow will sure get an ass-kicking when Shaft wakes up.
Hairy’s laughter faded as he headed back to the Inn to clean himself off. As he entered town, he was sure that he heard a womans voice coming from the direction he had just come from. Make that a VERY pissed off woman’s voice.